According to Adam Grant there are three types of people in the world: Givers, Takers, and Matchers. It’s important to identity which one you most resonate with and what you want to do about it.
It’s interesting because most people will automatically go to the giver category. They’ll remember all their best intentions and those moments when they had a kind thought towards someone else but how easily they forget or discount the many other times they withheld, changed their minds, or just didn’t follow through with that great idea. I’m not here to knock you off your high horse by any means. I want to show you that most people in realty are in fact, Matchers and why that’s a problem, and offer you some awareness over what you want to do with this new knowledge.
First, let’s just talk for a minute about these three types so we’re all on the same page. The GIVER, just like what it sounds like, they give. They’re helpful, considerate, a team player, gives the other person the benefit of the doubt, would go way out of their way to help someone out when needed.
The TAKER, concerned with self. Will take the accomplishments and work of others as their own, they’re always on the look out for numero uno. What can I do for me? How will this help me? I’ll only help you if there is something in this for me. They’ll smile at you and ask for something but deep down you just know there’s going to be a catch, something that’s going to benefit them somehow. TAKERS, according to Adam “Tend to rise quickly but also fall quickly.”
Now, the MATCHER. This one isn’t thought of very often but it’s actually this category that most people fall under. See if you resonate with any of these: Wants to serve others but will only go as far as what is returned. Kind but only to those that are kind back. Helpful, as long as everyone else is helping too. Will keep in touch, but only if you reciprocate. Will be generous and loving, but only if they feel like others are generous and loving in return.
Let me give you some examples of the MATCHER:
Heather has four people on her ministering route (four sisters in the ward that she is to look after, love, and visit). She feels the need to go out and do more but she can’t remember the last time anyone visited her! She hasn’t had anyone call or stop by in years. Remembering this, she’s no longer motivated to go out and minister. It’s not that she’s not a nice person or charitable by any means. It just means, she’s a little hurt inside that no one seems to care about her and now in her busy life she uses that as a little crutch to feel better about the times that she lapses.
What about Kirsten…Kirsten thinks she a giver. She makes meals for all the ladies in the ward that are sick or just had a baby. Doing this feels good and she likes being able to serve but the Kirsten gets sick and is out for a couple of weeks. No one called, no one came by, no one offered a meal. She’s offended and hurt. Why did SHE do all that work for all those people and not one of them could come by and do the same? She didn’t serve at the time expecting reciprocation but now that she’s sick and needs some help, she’s upset because a little part of her really did expect the same treatment.
Violet just called to be a primary worker with the young kids. The teachers were all asked to teach the kids the articles of faith each week and at the end of class fold up their chairs in addition to teaching. So Violet does and as she leaves she notices that no one else did. The next week she teaches again and sees that again, no one else is doing any of those things they were asked. So she stops too.
Maria has a big family. For years she was the one to call and keep tabs on everyone. She’d go visit and set up family gatherings. She liked doing that. Then things got really busy for her and no one called, checked up on, or thought of her. She was stunned. Why weren’t they calling her? Didn’t they notice that I didn’t call them? Haven’t they noticed I haven’t stopped by in a while? So she decides that since they don’t call her, she’s not going to call them!
All these women would think they’re givers. They have these qualities inside and IF MATCHED they’ll do it happily and wholeheartedly. They really do WANT to be generous and giving but there’s a portion of them that just can’t if the other party doesn’t reciprocate. It’s not fair. They feel hurt, offended, and like all their efforts weren’t appreciated in the first place so why continue?
The problem with this line of thought is that you’re thinking too outward. You’re doing things with an expectation that you’re going to get the payoff someday. Someday those people you served are going to come back and repay you. But when you think that day is here and they’re not delivering there’s a problem because you then stop being a giver and instead become the MATCHER.
We WANT to become the GIVER. But giving and giving and giving gets tough and old when it’s not noticed, appreciated, or reciprocated. If you’re feeling this and you recognize this in yourself but you really do want to be the giver then this is what you’ve got to do:
GIVE just to GIVE. GIVE without expectation – nothing. I know, you think you already do this but you’re still holding a shred of hope that someday they’ll show kindness to you too. Here’s the trick:
You need to get something out of it ahead of time. I know, I know, you just said NOT to expect anything! Stay with me. You need to GET something so that cycle of giving and receiving is complete so your brain isn’t still expecting something from the other person. What you get is AMAZING. What you get is better than anything they could possibly give you in the future anyway.
YOU GET TO FEEL GENEROUS. Seriously…how does it feel to GIVE? How does it feel when you’re thinking of the other person even BEFORE you give them something? How does it feel AFTER you’ve given them something – even if they’re not home, even if it was in secret, even if they NEVER know it was from you? It feels AMAZING, right? WAAAAAAY better than funeral potatoes any day.
This is what you get. But we’re not mindful of it so we don’t see this as THE gift to ourselves. When we don’t label it that we’re still left hanging and open and expecting something. Appreciate this gift. Be SUPER mindful of how you’re feeling and in the middle of the act, tell yourself, “doesn’t this feel amazing? I get to feel and be GENEROUS! What a gift! This is THE BEST gift.”
Because really we’re trying to refine our character which is way better than a materialistic gift/dinner. Drop your expectations and open your eyes to the REAL GIFT. The gift that isn’t contingent upon ANYONE ELSE. That’s the best part. The other person can snub, hate, or reject your ____________________ but it has NO EFFECT on the gift you’re giving to yourself. You still get to feel generous and loving.
My favorite quote by Neil A. Maxwell,
“No love is ever wasted. It’s worth does not lie in reciprocity.”
You can absolutely be the GIVER by giving your brain a little trick. You’re still getting something – it’s still matching behaviors – I give you _______________ but I get to feel AMAZING. Which gift is greater anyway?
Be the GIVER.
You’ll never get tired of giving if you give with this spirit.
Giving feels incredible.
I want that for you!
Go! Start giving right now! But be mindful that you’re getting the BEST gift.
You get to BE GENEROUS.
I want to hear all about it!
If you’re not sure what you are or how to become the giver you want to be- Set up a mini session with me and let me coach you. It’s FREE. You have nothing to lose from this and everything to gain. Try it out today.
Book that HERE