PODCAST EPISODE 10: How to create love in your homes every day
Hello everyone! I hope you’re having an excellent week. I know I am! and if it hasn’t been so excellent yet maybe it’s about to because today is National Positive Thinking Day. Totally fun, right? We look for any reason to celebrate at our house, because, why not? A friend of ours gave us this book years ago, I think it’s called, What day is it? and each day it spotlights a different, sometimes totally obscure holiday. We’re total nerds, I know. We don’t celebrate all of them but we pick and choose several a month and make sure to do something special on those days because it offers us something fun to focus on and think about. Like today, what a cool holiday! Positive thinking day, which I have to say, is quite timely because I’m giving you something amazing to think about today.
I’m giving you the SECRET SAUCE to creating LOVE AT HOME. Today, I’m giving you the foundation of my coaching, everything that I teach is based off of what I’m going to share with you today. It’s amazing and once you learn it you’ll be mind-blown! I know I was when I first learned about it years ago.
Before I dive in, I want to share a couple of things: So tidbit about me. I LOVE, like love, love snail mail. It’s so fun to get something in the mail that’s personal and not a bill or an ad. Snail mail is the best! Something else I LOVE is hot chocolate. My favorite is the starbucks brand and even when it’s 90 degrees out you can still find me sipping my cup of hot cocoa. Why am I telling you this? Because I want to share those two loves with YOU! If you didn’t already know one lucky person will get these two things each week for the time being when they leave a review for me on either cashbox or iTunes. So I’ll announce the winner here and all you have to do is contact me and we’ll sort out the rest so you can look forward to snail mail with a treat in it! How’s that for something positive to think about today, right?
Today’s winner is JACSCHL – so contact me, my friend and let’s get you some snail mail!
So let’s dive in, my passion, my mission, and purpose is to help families, parents and teens, family members of whatever age but families, which I believe IS central to God’s plan, to create LOVE AT HOME, hence the podcast’s name. I believe that home really can be a Heaven on earth when it’s filled with love. I strongly echo the lyrics of that hymn and all it says when there’s love at home. I’ll post the song and the lyrics in the show notes if you don’t know which hymn I’m talking about. I know that it is possible, absolutely obtainable, and a realistic, worthy goal and one that can be achieved but it is a daily work.
Cheryl A Esplin once said, “Strong Eternal families and spirit-filled homes do not just happen. They take great effort.”
This great effort is learning to recognize and become aware of old thinking habits and actions and learning to establish new neural pathways and new habits that create the results you want, which in this case is, LOVE AT HOME, right?
So let me ask you this? What is love? And how does one create it?
If you’ve heard my previous episodes you’ll know that love is a FEELING. A feeling is created by our thoughts. Simply put, if you want to create LOVE AT HOME you need to think loving thoughts and to believe loving thoughts.
Easier said than done sometimes, especially in our homes where our family members are pushing our buttons or doing things that are upsetting, right?
This is why today’s tool is the SECRET SAUCE. I’m going to uncover WHY those things they do bother you. WHY you’re feeling upset, frustrated, angry, hurt, offended, etc. And how you can change all of that and create an entirely different result and environment for yourself.
I’m going to teach you about something that we call, THE MODEL. It was created by my mentor Brooke Castillo and I believe it’s divinely inspired. I’ve already given you half of this model before in episode 2, THE MIX UP so some of it might sound familiar to you already.
The model looks like this:
In life we have circumstances. These circumstances trigger thoughts within us. Those thoughts generate how you feel and how you feel motivates you into action, what you do (or not do) and because of your actions you get your results. It’s C – T – F – A – R. Circumstances, Thoughts, Feelings, Actions, and Results.
In life, in our families we are presented with circumstances each day. Things that are out of our control. I don’t know what others will wake up today and do or say. They are a circumstance. I also don’t know if I’m going to wake up tomorrow feeling sick or with the flu. That’s also a circumstance. I don’t know what my kids, my siblings, my in-laws, etc will say or do either and I don’t need to because they’re also considered a circumstance and circumstances are completely NEUTRAL. These circumstances don’t mean anything yet, They’re not good, nor are they bad UNTIL I place a thought on them.
Circumstances are also factual. Like everyone all over the globe would agree. For example, a tree has leaves. That’s a circumstance that everyone, no matter what nationality, race, age would all agree that yes, tree’s have leaves.
Circumstances also don’t contain any adjectives. Why don’t they contain any adjectives? Because then it’d be an opinion. Tree’s have big leaves. I can’t say that and have it be provable or factual anymore. It’s my thought. Someone else could have seen a tree with much larger leaves and to them they’d think, no they’re not big. But we all can agree that yes, there’s leaves.
Make sense? So these circumstances are bland, factual, neutral until you personally place a thought on them. Your thought generates a feeling inside of you. I don’t feel your feelings and you cannot feel mine. This is great news because we think in our homes and in our families that other people push our buttons and make us mad, frustrated, sad, offended, etc. It’s because THEY said that thing, or they did that thing that made you upset but that’s not it. What made you upset, frustrated, sad, offended was you. It was YOUR THOUGHT about the circumstance that generated that feeling.
Let me pause and give you an example, Lucy is upset because her son wasn’t cleaning his room like she had asked him to. She asked repeatedly, made a huge point about why this bothers her and expected him to clean up. So the next time she walked by this area and it’s not done she got angry and upset. She’s angry because it’s not done. She’s slightly hurt and offended because in her mind she thinks, he doesn’t care about her or respect her because if he did, that room would have been cleaned hours ago when she first asked. And then to layer on more feelings, she’s frustrated because she’s told him a thousand times and it’s still not done.
This is one of the biggest blockers to creating LOVE AT HOME. Believing that someone else is the cause of our negative feelings. They did this or didn’t do this and now I feel…
But this is why the secret sauce is so good because in the model you learn that THEY didn’t make you feel anything. Your feelings come from your thoughts. Let’s go back through that example again.
She thinks she’s upset because he did’t clean up. So putting that into the first part of the model looks like this:
Son’s bedroom – that’s the circumstance.
Pretty boring, bland, no adjectives. She can’t add in, my lazy son’s bedroom because that’s an opinion but we can all agree, he has a bedroom. It’s also neutral. It’s not a messy bedroom. It’s not a clean one because again, adjectives, thoughts, opinions.
Lucy saw her son’s bedroom and had thoughts: He should have cleaned this already. He didn’t listen to me. He’s being disrespectful. He’s deliberately disobeying me. He doesn’t care. I do so much for him and all I ask is that he clean his room. I’ve asked him time and time again. He knows this is important to me. This is my house, he should take care of it. Why doesn’t he care about me?
and on and on we could go with those thoughts, right? But that’s all they are – thoughts. I know you might want to argue and say, no, those are factual. But really, we don’t know that he heard you even. He could have been daydreaming and not paying attention what you were saying. He might have had other priorities and it’s not the he doesn’t care, it’s that he was focusing on something else first. Whatever it is, recognize that it’s the thoughts that create what comes next.
He should have cleaned this already.
What feelings does that create? Frustration?
Feelings are important because they motivate us into ACTION. What we do is always because of a feeling. I have a thought, that thought generates a feeling in me, and that feeling creates an action or sometimes it’s inaction but inaction is still an action.
Actions are crucial because our actions create our results. Everything we have in life is a result of our actions.
This is the model:
Circumstances, Thoughts, Feelings, Actions, and Results.
THIS IS THE SECRET SAUCE.
This is gold my friends because if you’re not happy with your results or what’s going on in your life now you know why. It’s not the circumstances fault. The circumstance is neutral. The key to all of it lies in your THOUGHTS. What you’re going to think about the circumstance that creates how you feel, what you’ll do, and ultimately what the results will be for you.
The model is like a math formula. If I want to find the volume, I’m going to multiply length times width times height, right? I can plug in different numbers depending on the object and still figure out the volume. Same thing here, it’s beautiful. I can plug in my circumstance, my thought, my feeling and figure out why I’m getting the results I’m getting.
Let’s go back and plug in Lucy’s model:
C: Son’s room
T: He should have cleaned this already
A: Yell, argue maybe
R: Contention in the home and Lucy is feeling upset.
When you plug something into your model you have to be careful to only put in ONE thought because each thought you have generates a different feeling.
Notice, when she thought, “he should have cleaned this already” it created frustration. But some of her other thoughts were, “He doesn’t care.” Which might generate, offended or hurt. The thought, “I do so much for him and all I ask is that he clean his room” might create resentfulness.
All those thoughts lead to different actions too. When feeling offended or hurt she might want to cry or go to her room to be alone. If she’s feeling resentful she might not want to do something else for him which she might have otherwise done. It lead to inaction. See how each thought creates a new feeling and each feeling creates an action.
Each action also creates a different result, a piece of the whole picture that’s going on, which in this case is a lack of love at home. It’s a negative environment for her at the moment.
Each time my kids yell or fight with each other I know it’s all because of a sentence in their minds. They come and want to tell me how it’s the other persons fault. They took something of theirs and that’s why they’re mad. No, they’re made because they had the thought, They shouldn’t have taken that. That’s the thought that created anger not the act of the person taking something.
Now you might WANT to choose that same thought. I personally hang on to the thought that people shouldn’t steal. I wouldn’t want to feel good about someone stealing but I’m owning that thought and the feeling it’s creating. It puts the ball in my court and I get to decide what I want to do about it. I get to decide if hanging onto to those thoughts is going to help me show up as my best self.
Is hanging onto the thought, “He should have cleaned his room already.” Helping me to be my best self?
Probably not because what feeling is that thought going to generate?
Frustration? When you’re frustrated what do you do? What actions do you take?
Yell? Act snippy? Short? Lecture?
When you take that course of action, what results are you creating?
Certainly not love at home or becoming your best self, right?
It’s not that he didn’t clean his room. Everything you’re feeling, doing, creating is because of that thought you’re hanging onto and believing.
I’m not telling you not to assign chores or parent or anything like that. I’m showing you that you create your results. We’ll go back through this same model in a second and I’ll show you how changing your thought will change everything and how you can create love at home even when family members aren’t doing everything you wish they were…because let’s face it, they’re not going to operate from our book of rules just like we don’t always do everything they wish we would either, right?
Elder Robert D. Hales once said, “I testify that how we choose to feel and think and act every day is the way we get on the path, and stay on it, until we reach our eternal destination.”
The path of creating that love in your homes on a day to day basis. Elder Bednar said that our journey to the tree of life, like in Lehi’s dream, that journey to partake in God’s love is a daily journey. It’s a daily choice we make. We decide daily if we’ll hold to the iron rod, if we’ll make that journey to the tree and partake of the fruit or if we’ll wander off towards the great and spacious building.
If you’re lost at this example I’ll post a reference in the show notes that you can snag.
But daily. We decide daily what our path is going to look like, what we’ll do, and what we’ll create in our homes. It’s a personal journey. It doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing, including siblings or kids. Everyone else is a circumstance. They don’t determine how you feel. You create how you feel, and act, and the results you have by what you choose to think about.
It’s amazing the amount of power and control you have in your life. You absolutely create your results by the thoughts you hang on to, the thoughts you believe, what you choose to focus on.
We can’t control other people nor would we really want to, it’s exhausting to try. So the best thing to do is to take full responsibility for you. Do decide what it is YOU WANT first and foremost and then recognizing that you have the power to create that for yourself.
What does Glenda, the good witch tell Dorothy in the wizard of Oz? “You’ve always had the power my dear. You just had to learn it for yourself.”
You have the power to get the results you want in life, always. If that thought isn’t serving me or creating the result I want then I know that I need to change my thoughts. It’s simply beautiful but more challenging to really do because we can’t just think those other thoughts, we have to believe those other thoughts.
I can’t go from: “My son doesn’t respect me” to “My son thinks I’m the bee’s knees” – I know, no one says that anymore, but we just watched “The Princess and The Frog” and I kinda think we need to bring the phrase back. You know what I’m mean. I can’t go there because I don’t believe it. In that moment I don’t feel like he respects me. So what can I believe instead?
If I’m really feeling something strongly. Like anger or frustration I always like to start with questions. I question every thought that I’m hanging onto. In this case some of the thoughts were:
His room still isn’t clean. He should have cleaned this already.
Question it: Should he have? Maybe he thinks he did. That’s happened before right? My kids and I have different opinions about what’s clean and what’s not. There’s been so many times that I’ll say, hey, I thought you were going to clean this, and they’re like, I did.
So that’s another thought you can believe. Maybe we need to be clearer on what “clean” looks like and what I’m expecting. Also, should he have cleaned it already? Why do you want it on a specific time frame? I’d ask this to yourself. The answer might be really interesting to discover. Why can’t he spend all day cleaning it. Maybe that’s what he needs to do to learn for himself and what not to do next time. If he’s younger, maybe he shouldn’t have cleaned it yet. He’s still learning. We’re all learning, really. But why do you want it clean in a specific time frame? Is it coming from a controlling thought? Inquire more here.
Okay, another thought was: He doesn’t respect me. If he did, he’d clean his room. Question this. Do you really believe he doesn’t respect you? Like, you believe he’s sitting in his room saying to himself, “I’m not going to clean this because I don’t respect her” – probably not. He’s probably not thinking about you at all. It has nothing to do with you even. So why make it about you? Why make it mean something terrible about you?
Questions are good because it’s redirecting thoughts to a different perspective. One that leads to curiosity, then to compassion and understanding, and then from there you can get to love.
What thoughts would generate love for you in this moment? What would LOVE think right now?
Ask yourself those questions and see what amazing answers your brain comes up with. It’s brilliant. Maybe love looks like leaving our the drama…all the chatter and thoughts that aren’t helping you or your family. Maybe love looks like setting clear rules and consequences no drama attached. If you don’t do this by this time then this is the consequence. No drama. It doesn’t mean anything about you. Maybe love looks like serving, helping, talking…I don’t know what love looks for you in that moment. Only you know that and it’ll serve you best to ask yourself what love looks like, even if that’s to walk away so you can clear your own mental drama first.
What would love think right now?
Great question because it’s going to create a different feeling, a loving feeling.
Then when you feel LOVING, what do you do? What actions does love take?
When you’re acting from love what results do you create?
Exactly what you wanted right? LOVE AT HOME. Love inside yourself and when you’re acting from love you are absolutely showing up as your best self.
Love is always an option. You can always create it. You always have access to it.
Stop and ask yourself how your current level of love is at your house. On a scale of 1-10 10 being the, “Roses blooming beneath your feet” kind of love and 1 being it’s a war zone at home. Where would you put your current level right now?
Now ask yourself WHY it’s at that level. If it’s a 10, awesome. Still ask yourself why, then write down the actions, feelings, thoughts that create that for you so if it ever dips in the future you now have a map of how to replicate this awesome level. You know the steps, the feelings, actions that got you to level 10 – recreate it, believe those thoughts again. It’s a beautiful map to draw upon.
If it’s not a 10 ask yourself what is blocking that love? Why aren’t you creating this for yourself? What is getting in the way for you? You’re going to want to say a circumstance. It’s because THEY said/did/thought etc. But it’s not because of that. It’s never because of the circumstance.
I promise you, it’s going to all boil down to a thought you’re hanging on to. I’m not saying that it’s bad – I’m telling you this so you know that you have control over it. You have power over it and you can change it if you want to. But each day it takes thought work. It takes effort.
When you wake up in the morning, before your feet hit the floor lie in bed and decide what your destination is. Today I will create LOVE AT HOME. I will create joy. Then when circumstances arise, like they always do all you need to do is check in with yourself and ask, okay, “what would love look like here? What would love do? What would love say? What would love think? Then adjust accordingly.
You’ll create the feeling of love which will motivate actions of love, which will results in love at home.
We talk to our kids about this all the time. We teach them what’s going on so they can recognize that it’s not the circumstance that’s the problem. They have power and agency to create what they want. You have power to create what you want in your life. You can create love at home no matter what anyone else is doing. You get to feel how you want to feel and why not aim for love.
Love’s actions are the best, which in turn, will create the best result for you. The model is amazing. It’s the secret sauce to creating not only love at home but anything you want in your life. Plug in your circumstances and uncover what’s going on for you and how you’re creating your current results. Then play with the thought line and see how your model changes.
Practice this and get exceptionally proficient at it so you can create Love in your homes and in your life all the time.
I’m currently offering something incredible. I’ve created a family home evening lesson all on this secret sauce to creating love at home. This is a really valuable gift and for a limited time only it’s free for you on my website so take advantage of this!
I want you to feel and create more love in your life, in your families, in the word, but especially in your homes.
Harold B. Lee said, “The most important of the Lord’s work that you will ever do will be the work you do within the walls of your own home.”
I believe this is the work of loving, learning to love, to feel love, to create love. We are trying to be like our Heavenly Father who is love. The scriptures tell us that God is love and this is a huge tool that will help you utilize your superpower, your agency to create that, to become more like Him.
Okay, to get that all you need to do is head over to my website: thecatalystcoaching.com and enter your email and that FHE file will be yours. So stop by and grab that!
Mentioned on the podcast: