Episode 128: How to Attract the Right People in Your Life

 In podcast

Hey friends,

In this episode, I address the HOW of learning to attract emotionally healthy and available people into your life. We will explore why we may unintentionally attract emotionally unhealthy individuals and how to shift our focus to notice and gravitate toward those who align with our values. Join me as I share the importance of self-awareness, compassion, and setting boundaries in fostering meaningful connections. 

In the last episode, we shined the light on ourselves and dug into reasons why we might be attracting emotionally unhealthy and unavailable people in our lives, and the truth of it is – that there is always a mixture of emotionally healthy and available people and unhealthy and unavailable people. 

It’s a matter of who and what we allow to stay and who and what we ourselves gravitate to. 

Let me give you an example, I remember this one time a friend of ours mentioned that he was looking to buy a new car. His family was growing and he’d decided that it was time to expand into the minivan season. So he went looking and found this white van that was a potential but he wanted more time to think about it and do a little more research before committing. 

Then he told us it was seemingly bizarre because up until that moment, he’d never paid attention or noticed any white vans on the road, but now, all of a sudden, there were white vans everywhere. He’d never seen so many white vans in a single day, he recalled. 

And we laughed because logically the white vans were always there. It wasn’t that all of the sudden people started driving white vans. It was that only now was he in a position to notice white vans.

I like to believe it’s similar with people.

When we are used to certain behaviors, personalities, patterns, and people, we tend to notice and gravitate to them. They echo or mirror a part of us, and even though it might not be what you ultimately want, it connects to a part of you. Ultimately, we draw in and attract what we are feeling, and it’s not necessarily what we are intentionally thinking about.

So in the last episode, we spent a great deal talking about awareness, diving deep into introspection, paying attention to our feelings and the thoughts behind those. Then noting why – once aware, we continue allowing or tolerating certain behaviors while not allowing others.

We’re going to shift now into the next level.

In order to attract emotionally available and healthy people we have to be actively becoming and valuing what it means to be emotionally healthy and available. It doesn’t mean we’re perfect at it by any means but that this work is a priority to you, that you value and respect you and what is going to be best for you.

You have to know yourself and know what you want.

That always seems easy on the surface but most of us assume we know but once asked, once you actually force yourself to articulate an answer, you start to find out how many holes you have that area.

What do I want?

For most of us, we want people that are going to be uplifting – we talked about sunshine last episode and those that make it easy to nourish, warm, and to help us grow. 

But you have to ask yourself – am I this for myself? Am I a person who is actively striving to be kind and compassionate to myself to create an inner space of warmth? A space where it’s okay to make mistakes and not fear our inner critic or judge? Is it a space of understanding and encouragement?

Before you attract those people in your life – you have to become or are striving to become this for yourself. This is easier said than done but the bulk of the work isn’t out there looking for someone else – it’s the work you do within the walls of your own mind and body.

It’s less externally focused and more internally focused.

Because, here’s the truth, when you become this emotionally healthy person for yourself you don’t allow others to and I quote from Ghandi, “walk through (your) mind with their dirty feet”.

If you want a relationship – whether that’s a family relationship, friendship, partner, co-worker, etc to be vulnerable and honest with you – are you vulnerable and honest with yourself? Or are there areas you close up? You try to numb out? You don’t think about or allow yourself to pause on them? We don’t like to see areas that need strengthening so more often than not we ignore them, we act defensively about them – we act defensive and argue in our own minds completely closing off the question of, is it I? Is it possible I do that? Is it possible I could strive to be better in this area?

We’re closed off because we’re too afraid of what the inner critic will make it mean about ourselves and how badly that might feel.

When we do that we are emotionally unavailable and can’t connect with others fully that are available – we don’t have the capacity to connect. We don’t have the space to connect in that manner even if we wanted to.

It’s like trying to explain algebra to second graders. They’re not there yet. It’s not that they don’t want to learn or that they’re not interested in learning – it’s that they don’t currently have the experience, maturity, or capacity to be able to connect and understand in that way…yet.

We have to do the work on ourselves first to even recognize, appreciate, value, and then connect with others in that manner. 

So we have to start getting to know ourselves through a process of compassion and non-judgment. The more you do this, the easier it is to see it in others. 

You’ll hear it in their side comments to themselves. Emotionally unavailable people tend to berate themselves even when they have a smile on their face. They tend to over-explain. They tend to snap every now and then. These subtle behaviors can be an indication of unresolved inner work. Pay attention to these – and I’m not suggesting that if you snap occasionally you’re not emotionally available. It’s what you do with that. It’s the after that matters. Emotionally healthy people meet that experience with compassion. They’re not acting harshly to themselves or are self-deprecating. They’re able to move through it with compassion and because of this it overflows in their interactions with others.

They’re more patient with themselves and others.

The comments they make are different – they’re encouraging and full of a lens that is open to what is going right.

They’re open-minded about what a circumstance can mean, which means they’re not quick to put a period at the end of an observation.

They’re not quick to box you in as a type.

Oh, she doesn’t get it. Period.

She’s on THEIR side. Period. (Which you know means that she’s not or can’t then be on MY side)

She’s a complainer.

She’s negative.

She’s inflexible.

All of these have periods at the end which means that it’s the end of exploration. We all have these thoughts and make observations like these but emotionally healthy people don’t put the period at the end. 

There’s a semicolon – a continuation – a not the whole story punctuation mark.

She can be inflexible about this current topic or idea. It doesn’t box her in as a type. It’s an action. In this moment, about this idea. That feels so much healthier and kinder, and compassionate because it leaves room for curiosity and vulnerability. That leads to connection. 

We aren’t just one of those people that do that – we have to work at it. We have to practice it again and again in our minds and as we do it overflows into our interactions with others.

The more you practice this – the easier it is to spot, then appreciate and value, and then want to draw nearer to this in others.

I got my BA in Philosophy – absolutely LOVED that degree and program. One thing that was hammered in was our approach to learning. There’s a focus on noticing how a text is organized from the larger standpoint. Philosophy always asks the questions people don’t usually tend to see or even think of. For example, we don’t ask – what is just? Is that right or wrong? We tend to focus on WHAT justice is? What is the foundation from which we can even begin the conversation of the notion of justice? 

Because of this – it’s easier to value when you hear or read others that take this approach. It’s easier to hear it in a podcast or a conversation. It’s because of this  that I feel connected to those that think this way.

Before this training I wouldn’t have noticed or had the capacity to recognize this in others.

So the question is – what are you training yourself to see, hear, notice, and attract? 

Remember from the last episode I read an anonymous quote that said, 

We want to be attracted to people not attract them.

We want to notice emotionally healthy people – we want to be attracted to the traits that we value and are striving to work on. This is how you start building your team of emotionally stable and healthy people in your life.

You have to have the capacity to see them.

Once you see them and make a connection – how do you then keep them?

By continuing to be an open, emotionally healthy and available adult. That means being self-reflective. Not being afraid to ask yourself hard questions. When a disagreement arises – can you turn inward and ask – is it I? Is there truth to what they’re saying? Rather than acting defensively and putting up barriers or walls which only disconnects.

Can you sit with discomfort instead of needing to numb it away?

Can you sit with an open mind about yourself, the other party, the circumstance?

Can you ask for help and support when you need it instead of trying to do everything on your own?

Can you set aside your urge toward perfectionism and as Brene Brown would say, can you embrace the possibility of imperfection?

Perfection mind you means complete – we’re not complete yet – so can we acknowledge without fear that we’re not complete and I’d love your help in this area.

Can you ask for what you need instead of acting passive-aggressively? For example, 

I’m feeling a bit lonely – I’d love to connect and chat more.


No one ever calls me. I guess they don’t really care – which might motivate some to call – but they’re not calling because they want to of their own accord – they’re doing it out of a resentful space – I have to call or they’ll say or think bad things.

Big difference.

Can you be the one to take the steps towards giving yourself what you need instead of waiting for others to give it to you? And hope they will if they even can?

Can you set boundaries and say no when something is out of alignment with your values rather than people please and then avoid the person so you don’t have to have uncomfortable encounters?

Can you practice productive communication which includes listening to hear and not respond, asking clarifying questions, being secure in yourself so that whatever they say you can see it as a THEM filter and not an attack?

Do you prioritize things or activities that bring you joy? And invite them to participate? Or find activities you enjoy together while not assigning them the task of having to be in sync with all your preferences?

This is tough for a lot of people. There’s the first difficulty – that’s prioritizing your enjoyment not as a reward – that you’ve “earned” it but to see it as a source of nourishment just like eating breakfast or sleeping. 

I used to struggle with down time – I’d always think thoughts like – I have to use this time wisely! I can’t do that fun thing – the kitchen is still a mess! I can’t have ME time – my family has needs!

But the problem is that you can’t operate from an empty bucket. Your family does need you. That kitchen probably would feel better being cleaned but from a healthy place you can make better and more productive decisions. Maybe it’s not you that has to clean it. Maybe it doesn’t have to be cleaned right now. Maybe you – because you value you – know that by giving yourself ME time you show up as a much happier version of yourself.

The other problem happening here is assuming you have to enjoy the SAME things. Just because they don’t like something that you really do – is not an indicator that the relationship is doomed.

It means, let’s find something else we enjoy together.

No one person (unless it’s the Savior) will be able to be all of that for you and you wouldn’t even want that. The differences add variety to your life and provide opportunities to grow and try new things or meet other people and expand your reach of connection.

My husband is banned from watching Jane Austen with me. He teases about things like, “What’s the weather? And is your family in good health?” Which were very pertinent questions back then!

But I don’t need him to like all the things I like and vice versa. We have other things we connect with. I have other friends I can nerd out on Jane Austen with. 

Stop holding people to these standards that are confining and limiting. 

Emotionally healthy people can hold space and listen and like that You like certain things without needing to be an active participant of that same thing.

That being said – emotionally healthy people hold space – that means that they give you room to be human, to grow, and to not hold it over your head when you’ve had a human moment. They don’t bring up things from 5 years ago as a part of you. They also don’t only buy you things you once liked but doesn’t fit the current you.

They hold space for you to be human. 

They are interested in your life.

They are observant of the fascinating human being that you are.

AND all of this is what you do for yourself first and foremost. And ALL of this is what you do also do for others as an emotionally healthy adult. And ALL of this is what you notice and appreciate about those people in your life.

It takes work.

It takes daily inner work.

It takes practice and effort which is why there are seemingly more emotionally unavailable people – but really, it might just be that they haven’t had the opportunity to learn different ways of being, different tools to help them navigate.

You can help here. 

You can help by being an example.

Be the change you wish to see in the world. – ghandi, right?

And remember, there isn’t a “there” you’re trying to get to – it’s about being a healthier person today than you were yesterday. 

No one achieves complete health – there’s always something to work on – some foods to incorporate or ways of being to adopt – but when we strive to give our bodies what they need and limit what they don’t – we feel better. We are more capable of doing things we once couldn’t.

It’s the same with our mental health.

Give your mind what it needs and limit what is unproductive.

Stop tolerating or allowing behaviors, conversations, patterns that are not productive for you.

Set boundaries, walk away, practice self-care and personal development.

Practice kindness and compassion for yourself as you navigate this human world and then extend that same kindness others.

Your world is full of white vans – so to speak. There are emotionally healthy and available people in your life – it’s time to ramp up the inner work to be able to see them, value them, and build a team with them.

You’ve got this friends!

Have a great week!

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