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Episode 127: How to Stop Attracting the Wrong People in Your Life

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Are you tired of attracting the wrong people into your life, no matter how much you try to change your circumstances? You’re not alone. In this episode, I help you dive deeper into the reasons behind this and offer insights on how to break the cycle. From recognizing awareness to knowing your own worth to setting healthy boundaries, I help you uncover the steps to stop attracting the wrong people to start paving the way toward welcoming healthier connections. Join me as I help you navigate this complex topic and empower you to create the fulfilling connections you deserve.

This is a common complaint that I hear from so many of you. It just seems like no matter what happens, what new job you get, what new area you move to, how much you’re trying to change – you seem to keep finding the same types of people in your life. This is true whether it’s a romantic prospect, a friend, a neighbor, a co-worker, or someone you’re serving with at church – there are people and personalities that you just seem particularly prone to attract in your life and you’re done.

So you come and you ask a series of questions: first – WHY? Why do I keep attracting these kinds of people in my life?

Usually followed by, how can I stop attracting these kinds of people and start attracting better people for me?

And before we dive into the nitty gritty I just want you to pause for a moment and just be proud of yourself for your awareness first and foremost. We can’t change what we’re not aware of but once we’re aware – we can’t help but change – that’s one of my go-to quotes – it’s from Cheryl Sandberg. 

Take a moment and just give yourself a gold star for having eyes to see what is not working in your life and being open to the hope that there is a better future in store for you.

We often get in life what we tolerate or allow.

We keep what we think we deserve and if you’re struggling with low self-worth or see yourself as undeserving we tend to put up with and tolerate a lot of things we shouldn’t. 

Like calls to like and sometimes it’s not as obvious or an exact mirror reflection.  

Sometimes an unhealed part of you, the wounded part of you has a tendency to choose to allow or accept some people who continue to display the same unproductive patterns that you experienced in the past.

When I say like calls to like – 

You might think – I’m not anything like that!

 But this might require that you allow yourself to become introspective and just ask why am I allowing or tolerating certain behaviors or people in my life?

Sometimes it is really helpful to allow extremes – like this: 

What is something you would absolutely NOT tolerate? Like an extreme behavior – 

Then ask yourself why?

What would I do/say as a means of not tolerating that?

Then back to the present – if there are some behaviors that I absolutely will not tolerate why am I tolerating this behavior?

The answer might surprise you – you might be operating from some limiting beliefs about what you deserve or have to tolerate.

This is a complicated topic because our answers to why we continue to allow or tolerate certain people or behaviors is because it stems from childhood wounds. Unhealthy patterns of behavior in a time where we didn’t have the power or maturity to be able to make choices or walk away.

We often stay or tolerate because we crave love and attention – and I don’t mean like an attention seeker or center of attention. I mean, just acknowledgment or someone who sees us and genuinely cares.

When we’ve grown up in environments where we didn’t get the love and care we needed we learn unhealthy patterns and beliefs that bleed into our adulthood. We think we need to earn or work for love. We think that love is a reward that if only we can do all the things on the checklist that we can finally be worthy of love or deserving of it.

But in order to end this unhealthy cycle we have to realize as an adult that what once seemed necessary isn’t what is still true today. 

You always have a choice of who or what you allow in your life. 

You don’t have to stay in that relationship.

You don’t have to remain friends.

You don’t have to keep that job.

You don’t have to stay in that church position. 

You don’t have to answer their phone call or text message.

But if you are – and you don’t like what’s happening – you want to dig in deeper and find out what belief is causing the chain reaction of them being in your life.

Here’s a quick refresh of the mental model and just basics – 

The model – sometimes it can be known as STEAR but I was trained to use CTFAR – no fun acronym with that one – but it goes as follows:

C

T

F

A

R

They are your C.

The C’s are neutral just as noticing the rain outside or the car parked down the street. It doesn’t mean anything yet until  you place a thought on it. 

Your T’s create your F’s

Your F’s motivate you into A

And what you DO – creates your results or your experience.

So if you answer the phone, if you agree to see them, if you stay in the conversation even when you don’t  like it – you need dig in and see what’s really going  on.

What belief are you holding onto that makes me feel a certain way that then drives my actions of seeing them, hanging out with them, staying with them – whatever that is.

And if you can’t get to the thought yet – what’s the feeling? Feelings are a lot easy to grab a hold of. 

Is it guilt? Obligation? Fear? 

Oftentimes it’s that we’re operating from a fear based place – it’s the best I I can do –  there’s no one else – they might be mad at me, etc

Notice – how once you isolate the feeling you can start understanding the story or thought attached to it.

And again,  if you’re asking this question of – why is this happening? It’s a good indicator that you’re growing and ready to elevate and level up with your relationships.

We attract what feels comfortable and known to us.

And before you beat yourself up for not being better – please don’t ever do that – just remember that they served a purpose for you.

It felt comfortable, or known, or something that your brain thought you needed to keep you alive at that time.

So if it’s a relationship – it might have been that being with someone was better in your mind – than being alone.

The fear of being alone – was worse than the discomfort of staying at that time.

But now, as you’re noticing a change, a discomfort of outgrowing them or that  need – you can start taking baby steps to coming to know the you you are NOW.

If for example, you hang out with gossipy friends but you don’t want to anymore – it might have been because you felt insecure.

Gossiping about others takes the spotlight off of yourself and it gives the illusion that you are above another.

If your self-worth was lacking you might have participated and attracted these kinds of people in your life because it’s what your brain thought you needed to survive.

But the more you come to know yourself and learn how to cultivate genuine confidence you don’t need that anymore.

It doesn’t feel good and it starts doing the opposite of serving you – it now pulls you down.

So in order to level up you need to start with yourself.

We talked about awareness first, then just being curious,  then working on your own self-esteem and confidence.

The more you like yourself, then respect yourself, then love yourself the less tolerance you have for others that don’t.

I read a comment once that said, 

We want to be attracted to people not attract them.

We want to seek out those that shine like sunshine, that feel good to be around even on days that they aren’t so sunny.

These people are safe people.

I don’t want to suggest or be misunderstood that we need to have a checklist for people. What we want is to be attracted to emotionally healthy and available people.

And in order to do that you have to get to know yourself.

You have to allow yourself to start seeing your goodness.

You have to be the one to love and appreciate yourself daily instead of chasing after others in hopes that they’ll do it for you.

They won’t. 

They can’t.

It has to be you.

We have to work towards seeing ourselves as a person of great worth and value.

The more you do – like the model, when your T’s change, your feelings toward yourself also change. When you feel differently about yourself you treat yourself differently and you will not allow others to disrespect you – just like you wouldn’t allow others to treat someone you love so deeply to be walked over – you would stand up for them – you start standing up for yourself as well.

So okay – here’s a hard truth…

Behavior is the greatest communication.

Words are empty without works.

We often stay in relationships we shouldn’t stay in simply because we’re holding onto words that breed hope that they’ll change or that we can make them change if only we do xyz. 

But this isn’t kind to you or them.

Behavior is communication.

They’re telling you what they want.

LISTEN.

This was a hard pill for me to swallow.

It was hard in family relationships where I needed to redefine the relationship and stop requiring or hoping that they would be able to give me something that I needed. 

It was hard in friendships and deciding for my own self trust and respect that saying goodbye to certain people was a way of loving me (and them because it meant that I was no longer asking them to be something or someone they weren’t ready to be).

Saying goodbye can be painful and you want to allow yourself to grieve. But I’ll tell you what – that grief is healthy pain or productive pain. 

Healthy pain is cleansing. It’s necessary. It paves the way for you to receive what you need now for the person you are now.

Unproductive pain however is the pain we feel while hoping, waiting, and expecting them to be different. This pain doesn’t have a place to go. So it just get impacted and crowded in your emotional state and it’s stifling and limiting.

In this process you might need to let go of people that aren’t who you need now.

And in order for you to do that you need to look in the mirror and do the work to understand who you are now, what you value about yourself – and from a place of respect and love you’ll begin to know what’s acceptable and what’s not.

When you do this work to get to know yourself on a daily basis – to really allow yourself to see yourself without judgement or criticism. You’ll stop allowing those people, those conversations, those behaviors in your life.

I always say the hardest question we face is this:

What do you want?

And I know it seems easy – but it never is.  

We usually only know what we don’t want.

But when you can sit with the question of what do I really want? And do I believe in myself and honor and trust myself enough to do the work to say no to what doesn’t fit this – then I’m in a position to start finding those that fit the me that I am right now.

Since this is a heavy and complicated topic I’m going to stop here and continue this in the next episode on how to attract emotionally available and healthy people next week. 

For now, your work is just to start becoming aware and taking an inventory of the people in your life now.

Some questions you can ask are:

How do I feel when I’m around this person?

How do I feel when I think about this person?

How do I feel when I leave this person? Either a phone call or in-person 

It’s not their job to make you feel anything – but notice what comes up for you.

Do you feel that it was easy to be yourself?

Is there a lot of mental drama and mental chatter lingering afterwards?

Do you feel unproductive emotions coming up? Resentment, shoulds, fear, worry, anxiety, unease 

Some more questions can be:

Do our values align?

This is less of a do we think the same but do we both operate from similar values- respect, care, consideration, gratitude, kindness?

Do they support or encourage my growth and well-being?

When you’re around them do they help you become more of who you’re trying to be? Or do you feel boxed into a version of you that doesn’t seem fitting anymore?

Do they seem interested in you? Your goals? Your hopes? Even just your well-being?

How do they communicate? Is it respectful? Are they willing to listen and not just talk? Are they willing to be wrong and admit it? Are they open to possibility?

Is it safe to disagree?

How do they handle a disagreement? Or conflict? Are they safe? Do they pass blame? 

Do they make time for you? Even in creative ways – do you feel cared for? Valued? Thought of?

Are you able to be yourself around them? Or do you have to put on a front?

Do you have to hold back conversations? Ideas? Dreams?

Do you feel like they help and support you in becoming your best self? Do they encourage your growth, inspire you to become better? Do they contribute positively to your overall happiness and well-being?

Do they feel like sunshine? Sunshine allows growth, it nourishes, it warms, it lights up the world around you, it’s constant, it’s reliable, it’s loyal, it’s giving.

I’m not asking you to weed out anyone that’s not perfect – none of us are. 

I’m asking you to start becoming aware of the people and behaviors that drain you, that are unproductive for you, that might need an inventory check.

Some of these connections just need awareness and an invitation to dive in deeper. Others might communicate best to you through their behavior and when they do – listen.

This can be such a huge step in your life – knowing what you will and will not tolerate is a big part of feeling confident in yourself and establishing healthy relationships.

Next time – we’ll talk about how to find emotionally healthy people in your life and building your team – a team that supports your growth!

If this is tough for you – because it’s a difficult and complicated process – please know you don’t have to go it alone. Come schedule a free session with me and let me help you move forward.

You can schedule that on my website – www.thecatalystcoaching.com under schedule a call.

Until next time, have a great week, my friends!

 

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