Episode 79: Self-Sabotage Through Little Quits
Episode 79: Self-sabotaging Through Little Quits
Welcome back to the show everyone! I’m so grateful you’re here with me and I’m excited to bring you a new episode! So here’s the thing, I’m totally sick and while I’m feeling better, I do sound terrible so if you’re wondering why it sounds different – that’s why. But I love you and I didn’t want to miss this week with you so, here we are in all my natural glory. Good thing this is virtual so I’ll just be sharing a message and not germs.
So today I want to bring you a topic that we’re all familiar with because I haven’t met one person myself included that hasn’t fallen prey to this sneaky yet still harmful self-Sabotaging practicing of making little quits. I say these are so sneaky because they’re well, little.
It doesn’t seem like a big deal in the first place but overall it distracts you from your overall vision of what you want to create for yourself.
So a quick definition of self-sabotage is any action, thought, or behavior that actually creates more problems for you and hinders or interferes with your overall goals and I’m not just talking about the goals you set for yourself in January. I mean overall – the things you want and want to move towards. It doesn’t have to a written-in-stone goal, it’s what you want to create, your vision of what you want to experience in your life.
Each of us has something we want to move towards, something we want to create, something we want to do and somethings we want to stop doing. A huge aspect of confidence is being able to not just set goals but to achieve them and these little quits interfere with that overall progress and it’s so much more than a little quit – it teaches you mentally that the goal isn’t that important and more frightening than that, you aren’t that important.
So here’s the thing with little quits. They’re small and easily justifiable so at times you might even categorize them as self-care. You’re like, “I’m overwhelmed right now and don’t want to go out, I don’t want to do that, I’d just rather stay home and binge on Netflix”
And so you call or most likely text and cancel your plans and you feel this surge of sudden relief, like, “Oh phew! I can relax now” and you watch Netflix and things seem fine like not really a big deal until the next day when you’re feeling lonely again and wishing you had some friends to go out with, to hang out with, to be with.
That little quit hindered your goal of wanting connection, wanting closer friendships, wanting others to invite you to things and you not being the only one to ever extend an invite and in this moment, while it seemed so small and even masked as self-care – like, “I’m tired and need to listen to my body” and believe me, I’m all for that but sometimes you’re not being overly honest with yourself. There’s being honest and then there’s self-Sabotaging through little quits.
I know you’re all familiar with the idea of quitting and if we’re talking about little quits then there’s big quits. When you’re at a point where you’re just done or at least in the moment you’re feeling “done” and so you make this grand scene to yourself or to others and you quit. This is like being in a relationship with a friend and they’ve stepped on your toes one too many times, they’ve canceled on you, stood you up, not called you back, only come around when they want something and you’re so fed up and hurt by it all so you vent to your spouse or another girlfriend and you’re like, “can you believe it?! I’m NEVER putting myself in that position again!”
It’s kind of dramatic and got to this pressure point where it all explodes, right? I’m done. I’m done. I’m done. And sometimes you are and sometimes you decide you’re not but either way it’s a grand scene and was noticed in your mind as a big event. But these little quits aren’t as obvious and because they’re not as obvious we tend to indulge in them way more than we realize and it’s hurting your confidence on levels you can’t even fathom.
So if you remember my Confidence Model: To know yourself in every detail possible, to embrace yourself all the parts of you, and to trust in yourself and in your abilities. When we self-Sabotage with these little quits we’re operating on auto-pilot. We’re allowing our inner hobbit to call the shots because we’re looking for what’s easy and what we want most now in the moment over what we really want for ourselves and for our lives.
This can look like watching another episode on Netflix instead of getting back to work like you told yourself you would or forgoing on your calendar what you had planned for something more enticing or entertaining now. It can look like reaching for the pint of ice cream in the freezer for dinner instead of sticking to your meal plan or even just your overall goal to “eat better”.
It can look like canceling on a friend or procrastinating things your higher self really wants you to do. These little quits can look like indulging in blaming and finding fault in others and in other things because you’re unwilling at the moment to feel your feelings so we buffer with playing the blame game because again it feels temporarily better or you get temporary relief.
The sneakiest thing about this is that majority of the time what you’re using – what actions you’re taking to quit on yourself are actually really good things. You might have work emails that need your attention or you’re writing a talk or preparing for a presentation and you see your closet in a bit of disarray so instead of working you get this sudden urge to go all KonMari and before long your closet is lovely but your work has suffered.
And not just your work has suffered but now you’ve also taught yourself that what you tell yourself isn’t important and it hurts your self-trust which is one of the key elements in self-confidence. You can’t create confidence without that key component. When you quit on yourself you invite a level of insecurity, doubt, and eventually discouragement where you then start asking yourself, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I ever get ahead or move forward?”
Which over time leads not just to little quits anymore but overall big quits. You get to a point where it’s too painful to try and tell yourself you’re going to do something and not have that level of self-trust and instead you’re met with, “Are you really? yeah…that’s what you said the last time” or “You can’t do that, remember this and that?” And so you’re creating this inner dialogue and strained relationship with yourself without even realizing that you’re doing it.
These little quits add up to big quits and huge chunks out of your self-confidence.
So one of the biggest obstacles I see with this are unclear goals for yourself. It’s hard to be aware of when you’re “quitting” on yourself if you don’t know what you’re working for in the first place. So that’s an important place to start. Simply ask yourself, “what do I want?”
We’re so well versed in what we don’t want which is important to know too but we need to be really clear with ourselves about knowing what we DO want as well. This is different from our normal self-talk of what we think we “should” be doing but rather what do you want to do, be, create?
What do you want more of in your life? And then getting to a place of genuine honesty and integrity with yourself. You know when you’re quitting on yourself when you know what you really want. Because it probably won’t be binging on Netflix when you really want to be doing or creating something else. Even though Netflix is fun it’s being able to exercise authority and love for yourself in protection and pursuit of what you really want most.
These little quits are a form of self-sabotage because it’s not coming from your highest self or your higher brain. It’s what your inner hobbit aka natural man wants most in the moment. It’s operating from a form of auto-pilot. Nothing grand or dramatic, no big quits.
It’s not like you’re totally throwing your entire diet out the window when you snack in bed at night or grab a cookie when you pass by the kitchen. But each time you give in you’re quitting on yourself in the smallest of ways and you know the scripture, “by small and simple means are great things brought to pass” – that same principle goes both ways. Each time you quit on yourself by going contrary to what you really want you’re leaving behind an impact and over time, little by little these quits add up and leaves yourself in a state of distrust and doubt with yourself.
All these little quits just chisel away at your confidence and before you know it you’ve completely cracked your foundation.
I have to point out that this doesn’t mean you have to do a certain thing, or that you’re glued to a rigid schedule. You get to choose what you want to do at all times you just want to make those decisions from a place of honesty and with your overall best interest at heart. What doesn’t seem like a big deal in the moment you need to be honest with yourself, it IS a big deal if it’s contrary to what you really want (even in the smallest and slightest of ways).
So when you have a choice before you make sure you check-in and ask yourself if you’re coming from a place of love or a place of comfort. Comfort doesn’t create and can’t create your goals. Love does. Love makes room for compassion and kindness knowing when you need a break and when it’s beneficial for you to slow down vs when you’re having an uncomfortable emotion and you’re avoiding feeling it so you’re buffering instead.
Buffering if you remember is a form of quitting. It doesn’t get rid of the negative feeling. It just postpones it. You didn’t solve the problem, you just delayed it AND you created more issues for yourself because of what else you buffered with.
Everyone is familiar with these little quits and just knowing that you’re not alone can help you to create empathy for yourself and through love and compassion you can continue to move forward. This isn’t a reprimand or a call to wear the cloak off shame. It’s a call to love yourself more. A call to check in with your heart and what you really, really want.
Moving forward always starts with awareness. What do you really want in your life? What are you working towards?
Notice the little ways you’re quitting on yourself and the language you’re using to sneak into these little quits. For me, it shows up like, “I’m just tired today. I’ll make it up tomorrow” and so I’ll see what my family is up to and there’s nothing wrong with knowing your limits and when you need or simply want a break but sometimes it’s not what I really want – of course, I always want to be with my family but when I scheduled time for it and when it creates more problems later because when I scheduled time to spend with them tomorrow I’m now swimming in thoughts of needing to catch up here or do that there- so I’m not able to be all in.
Also when I go to schedule my week I have that little voice in the back of my mind that questions and doubts if I’m really going to follow through or not and you can imagine that over time, little by little, little quit after little quit it takes a huge toll.
I’m aware of the sneaky things my inner hobbit tries to entice me with and because I’m aware of it when it comes I can answer it honestly. I can reply with “I totally get it, that does sound fun. And it will be when I’ve finished here.”
Think of a relationship where the person always puts someone or something ahead of you and you’re just this afterthought or whenever they feel like it. It’d be greatly strained to say the least, right? But what about the relationship where you come first? Where they’re always supportive of what you really want and what you’re trying to create? When they check-in and offer you the utmost respect and kindness for you to spread your wings and fly?
That’s an amazing team, a supportive team, a team where trust thrives and confidence is at the forefront. This is what you want to create with yourself.
Stop these little quits on yourself. Make the decision for what you really want and then come from a place of love. Love doesn’t quit. Love won’t draw you away from your goals. Love wants the best for you. Love wants to support you in becoming your best self.
What is the most loving thing you can do for yourself? What feels most like love here? When that sneaky inner hobbit tries convincing you of easy pleasure and comfort check-in, what would love to say right now?
You’ll know the difference between quitting and loving. Love will feel whole and full. It will feel honest and confident. Quitting will feel brittle and like you’re trying to get away with something. It’s sneaky and erodes your confidence.
So what do you do when you’ve indulged in these little quits? Do NOT beat yourself up and dive into a dramatic quit. Just notice what’s happening. Notice what you’re feeling. Apply the confidence model:
Know – what am I thinking right now? What’s going on? I love giving myself these more specific options like this? Sad, sleepy, or something else?
Am I really tired and need a break? If so I can reassess my schedule and come from a place of math – it doesn’t mean anything negative about you it’s just math. Learning about yourself in every detail possible, right?
If I’m sad or troubled with something checking in helps me to dive in and ask, what’s really going on? Where’s the fear?
Or something else entirely – am I bored? Am I not wanting to feel a negative feeling?
These questions offer awareness that gives me something to solve and work with. You can’t work with something you’re not aware of. Awareness is first and it’s huge. It’s telling yourself that you matter enough to be listened to, to be heard and understood. This act alone goes a long way in building that relationship with yourself.
Then embrace, Of course, this happened. No wonder I’m feeling this way. It’s coming from a place of understanding and taking the time to see you the way Heavenly Father sees you – as complete and whole as a human being but still learning and growing. We can be compassionate and loving with ourselves while still loving ourselves enough to move forward.
Then lastly trust. Getting back to what you really want. What do you really want? Make it math, not mental drama. It’s telling yourself, “Okay, THAT happened….now what?” It’s establishing trust within yourself, that trust is the foundation for confidence and certainty. It’s telling yourself something and believing that you can and will follow through.
With that as your foundation, there’s nothing you can do or accomplish. Be willing to be curious and to get to know yourself in every detail possible. You are worth it.
There’s a quote by Jordan Peterson that I really like that says, “Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping.”
Because you are. When you see yourself as someone who needs your love, kindness, and trust. Stop making it mean ugly things about you and instead treat yourself as someone you are responsible for, someone you love and care about. From that place, you can accomplish the seemingly impossible.
It’s the opposite of self-sabotage. It’s self-care, self-kindness, above all self-love. Love has you operating from your highest self, helping you to be who you really want to be, one that supports you in becoming.
Okay, my friends. That’s what I’ve got for you this week! Tackle those little quits and keep me posted. I always love to hear about your progress and how you’re moving forward!