Episode 1: Midsingle and Confident
Hello my new friends. I’m excited to be on this journey with you. So many of you reached out and asked for a podcast just for you, just for mid-singles and because I love you so wholeheartedly, here it is.
I will say that we’re trying this out on a temporary basis and if it get a good reception and enough ratings and reviews then I’ll make it official and keep going but for now, we’re just tapping into a new option and resource for you. I have to tell you that I love the mid-singles. This demographic is one of such potential, capacity, heart, and power and it’s disheartens me when too often you might find yourself overlooked, excluded, and underutilized.
You have so much to offer and are such a brilliant light that I want to dedicate this podcast to helping you cultivate genuine confidence and find peace in your life and direction to help you achieve and become who you want to be and all that you can be.
This is one of the most diverse groups because you all come from a wide range of backgrounds, of cultures, where you live, of careers, of relationship status, if you even want to be in a relationship. You’ve experienced a good chunk of life so you come with experience and sometimes we come with a bit of mental baggage as well that might not be serving you anymore.
As way of an introduction, I am Hannah Coles. I work as an LDS Life Coach and I teach people how to overcome their fears, doubts, insecurities, social anxiety, and help them to create peace, confidence, certainty, and be able to show up authentically in their lives without worrying or being in fear that you’ll get hurt or rejected.
So often we operate from the belief that something is missing in our lives. Either we’re not enough and we’re lacking something or that we need something or someone to be fulfilled, complete, or happy. And this belief while it sounds righteous and noble, it is most often the source of your discontent and discouragement.
There is a way to move forward, to create meaningful connections without having to rely on something or someone else and that’s what I want this podcast to center on for you.
I believe it is possible for you to have what you really want and that you already have everything you need to attain that. No hustling for a better career, no more seeking outside of you, no more beating yourself up because you think you’re lacking something or that something is wrong with you, or that you just don’t fit in. Everything you think you’re missing lives inside of you already – which is great news.
Nothing outside of you needs to change for you to have and create what you really want. I promise you that. My business practice is called the Catalyst Coaching. I currently offer 1-1 coaching and I have an amazing membership and they both operate under the same title and belief of the catalyst, that YOU are the catalyst for your own life. That you hold the power to create the necessary change to create the life you really want.
All too often we spend so much time hustling for things outside of ourselves, chasing after academics, promotions, awards, accolades, status, recognition in order to feel like we fit in, that we belong, that we have a place – to know that there’s a place for me and that I have value and am worthy. One problem I see coming up again and again especially with my midsingles is the struggle to feel that there’s a place for them within the church as well.
It’s not the faith or the doctrines as much as it is trying to fit in and understand where your place is in a family-centered faith and culture.
I sent out a anonymous questionnaire a while ago and I was so grateful to receive the responses of so many of you and I just first want to thank you for taking the time to write to me and share a small portion of your journey with me. But I was so saddened and frankly, horrified to hear some of the comments (albeit well-meaning at times) that have made to you and/or about you.
To name some of them:
Why aren’t you married yet?
When are you going to get married?
I have someone I want to set you up with.
You’re just not trying hard enough – do you even want to get married? They mentioned the person almost indicating that you should be married and that clearly one is “better” than the other.
You’re just being too “picky”
Looks like you’ve chosen your career over marriage
There just aren’t many men that want to date a “ready-made family”
Comments like these leave so many of you questioning and wondering where they fit in, how they fit in, and creates or adds to the belief that being married, being in a committed relationship is “better” than being where you are right now.
Here’s the truth about that statement, there is not better than here. period.
It’s not and never will be the circumstances that make us feel better or differently about ourselves and about our lives. I know that you know several married couples or people that are miserable in their relationship, that struggle being married, that feel like they don’t fit in with their spouse or their ward, or their community.
It’s not the circumstances that make us feel any differently. It’s you. You are the catalyst. You make you feel better by the thoughts you think.
This is one of our most powerful truths. You are so capable of creating what you really want not because of what’s been given to you, or what opportunities you’ve had but rather by what you choose to think.
James Allen wrote, “As a man thinketh, so he is”
And “Man is made or unmade by himself; in the armoury of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself; he also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace.”
It’s never the circumstances, the things outside of us that makes life good or bad, joyful or wanting and everything to do with what we think about our circumstances. I want to help you take control over what you can control, your thoughts, your emotions, what you do, and ultimately what you create so that you can love your life, your season right now without thinking or believing something needs to change for you be really happy or for you to feel complete, whole, and fulfilled and then from that space deciding what you want – if that means dating, wanting to get married, wanting to further your career, or dive into something entirely new even.
Think about that for just a moment, how differently would it feel to want to date or get married simply because you want to and not because you feel like you need to or that others think you need to? One is coming from abundance and adding to the joy you already feel while the other is coming from scarcity and fear.
I’m telling you, it’s a powerful place to be in and to live from and it’s within your grasp now. Everything you think you’re missing lives inside of you now. It all starts with you.
Before we talk about or dive into anything regarding other people, dating, groups, connections, etc we have to focus on ourselves first and build that first. Everything else comes secondary and I know this is a struggle for so many people, it’s definitely part of our church culture and for sure a tactic of the adversary that tells us you shouldn’t look or focus on you, you should be outward focused, serving others, building up others, thinking about others, “forget yourself and go to work” mentality and it’s often times misunderstood what that really means.
You can’t pour from an empty bucket. You can’t serve others with real charity if you’re depleted inside. I had one questionnaire in particular that was really offended by the idea that I would create a resource to help others learn to create self-confidence. They confused confidence with pride and so they believed that I should be teaching humility instead and there’s so much that I want to say and share about that because self-confidence includes humility.
Self-confidence is the fuel that will carry you in your life to create what you really want, not just to go and do but who you become as a human being and the quality of life you can create for yourself.
Here’s the interesting thing with that idea that you should be outward focused, when you’re trying to pour from an empty bucket. If you’re self-conscious, feeling insecure, worried about how you fit in, wondering what others think of you – you’re not able to focus on others at all. In that space we spend WAY more time thinking about ourselves, worrying about ourselves and we’re just not able to be wholly present and thinking of or serving others.
However, when you feel confident in yourself, knowing that you’re going to be okay always – and don’t worry, we’re going to talk more about that – you can be present, you can go and serve, you can love without contingencies or expectations because you’re not worried about yourself so you can be all in.
Self-confidence is the key to humility. It’s like C.S. Lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.”
And we just can’t get there until we’ve built a reservoir of self-confidence. Think about this, why aren’t you worried about having water in your home? This was once a legitimate concern. People worried about their water supply, if they were going to have enough, if it was going to be clean enough. But the thought doesn’t really cross my mind ever. I am grateful for it but it doesn’t consume my thoughts and why?
It’s because I’m confident that it’s going to be there when I need it. I don’t have to worry about it because I feel secure knowing that it’s going to be okay.
It’s like this with our self-confidence, when you’re able to build up your supply you don’t have to spend all that time worrying or doubting or questioning if you’re enough, or if what you’re doing is okay, or if you’re going to be okay, or worried or wonder what other’s think of you – you just know that you’re good, that you’re worthy, that you have something so special and unique to offer and it’s okay if some people can’t see it, it doesn’t mean anything about you, it’s a bummer for them because they don’t know what they’re missing.
It’s imperative that we learn to create and build our self-confidence reserve. Your life will transform in ways you can’t even imagine when you do this, when you learn this skill.
So what is confidence anyway? It’s so interesting because we all think we know what it is but it’s such a vague concept that not too many people really know how to cultivate it or keep it.
Most people think it’s like this superhero cape that when you have it you can take over the world or they confuse it with motivation and it’s not either of those things.
Confidence isn’t loud. It’s not flashy or arrogant. Confidence is certainty.
If you think about it, when you feel confident, it’s really because you feel certain. I should point out, there is a difference between confidence and self-confidence. We can feel confident in things, in many things and still struggle with personal insecurities. And that’s because we’re confident IN things but not so much in the self-confidence department.
You can feel confident that you can walk across the room or tie your shoes but if you were asked to give a ted talk for millions, how confident would you feel then?
The interesting thing here is that when you build up your self-confidence you find that your confidence IN things also grows 10-fold. Every area of your life is up-leveled because when you change one thing, everything changes.
In the work that I do, I always use the phrase, “All roads lead to Rome” because when we change just one thing you see it playing out across all areas of your life in amazing and deeply profound ways.
President Nelson gave the most poignant and powerful message when he was asked, “how can we help those struggling with a personal challenge?”
Before I tell you what He responded with, ask yourself, what personal challenges am I currently struggling with? Don’t dive into them – just the title or general topic, I don’t want to lose you.
He responded with two beautiful truths. He said, “Teach them who they are and what their purpose is”
That’s the answer to all your personal challenges and it’s just absolutely powerful and brilliant.
See, confidence, the definition that I’ve found to be the most accurate and helpful is, knowing and embracing all the parts of you and being able to trust in yourself and in your abilities.
It’s knowing who you are, what your true identity is.
Isn’t interesting to think about Moses and his transformation? At first we see that he struggled quite a bit. He wasn’t confident. He was full of doubts, fears, insecurities, wondering how he could do what he was being asked to do. Probably wondering how he could get people to listen to him, to take him seriously. He even complained to God saying, “I’m slow of speech” like, I can’t do this, I’m not good enough, they won’t listen to me, they’ll laugh or reject me. We can see these normal human insecurities but then through a mighty change and transformation he gets to a point where he can go face to face with the adversary himself and tell him with ease, “who art thou? For behold, I am a son of God”
What do you think that would feel like to you to have that level of confidence and certainty?
How do you think that would feel?
What do you think you would do with that? What actions would you take? What would you create? What you stop doing? And what would start doing?
Confidence is the key to unlocking all the things you really want in this life. It’s the necessary element that creates lasting connections, that helps you be a world changer and influencer.
It’s the answer to everything you’re seeking.
Know who you are and what your purpose is because when you do you create certainty – confidence.
I saw a pin on Pinterest years ago that has always stuck with me. It was from an anonymous source that said, “Confidence is silent, insecurities are loud”
Truly confident people aren’t boastful at all. They’re deeply humble and certain of themselves and because they’re secure and certain they can go out and be a world changer because that’s who they are not because they need to be seen or to prove anything about themselves.
Confidence isn’t a one time thing. It’s a process that you can learn to cultivate and create on a daily basis and it starts with your thoughts.
Henry Ford once said, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right”
We are what we believe we are. You are much more powerful than you realize and your capacity to create and to become is infinite.
We need to start by looking inside and creating genuine confidence, certainty because that’s what creates security and the ability to reach out, to serve, to be all in and to create what you really want.
When that’s taken care everything else falls into place. I want to help you on your personal journey to creating genuine confidence so that you can in turn create genuine relationships, connections, and contributions in the world. And it starts with the only thing you have control over – yourself.
When you get to know yourself, your true identity and purpose you’ll be able to overcome your current setbacks, challenges, and stumbling blocks – it doesn’t make it easy or that suddenly everything works out perfectly but with that certainty and confidence you can face it all knowing that you’re going to be okay.
You know, I was talking to my family recently about the pattern in the scriptures of those that decide to follow Christ. For the disciples, to an outside person and perspective it would seem like their life got harder. They were persecuted, reviled, rejected. In the book of Mormon, Alma – chief judge, prophet, captain of their army, huge influencer, right? Left it all to preach, to serve and he’s rejected, cast out, imprisoned, starved. Even Mary and Joseph when they accepted their call to follow God’s will – they were called out to journey to Bethlehem to pay taxes all big and pregnant, leaving her comforts of home and her family and friends that she most likely anticipated and planned on their help and support only to get there and find no room in the comforts of an inn but rather to be moved to the stables with the livestock – and if you’ve even been to a petting zoo or on a farm or any animals for that matter you can imagine what that scene might look and smell like.
So my question then is, why did they do it? Why when to an outside stance does it seem like life gets harder for them?
Ponder that but it’s because they find certainty in their faith, in their personal identity as children of an infinite God, of the confidence they feel knowing they can rely wholly on the Savior and Heavenly Father. There is peace in Christ. There is confidence and certainty in knowing that “you are a child of God of Infinite Capacity.”, that you can do “all things through Christ which strengthenth you”.
Knowing who you are and whose you are is a game-changer that makes the circumstances absolutely doable. We need to start by getting to know ourselves to a very deep level.
Elder Oaks said, “You owe it to yourself to make an extra effort to discover, in every detail possible, who you really are—to discover your true potential and your eternal potential in God’s plan.
You know you are a child of God, a son or a daughter of a loving Father who has structured a glorious plan for the salvation and happiness of each of His children…
What a blessing it is to have this solid, revealed-from-on-high doctrine as a foundation upon which to build our lives and as a foundation for our trust and hope in eternal happiness. …But are these glorious, majestic understandings enough? They are certainly critical underpinnings for our eternal progression, but to reach our divine, eternal potential, I think they are only the beginning.”
Confidence starts the moment you dive in and start getting to know yourself in every detail possible. Where most people would end, like, “I’m a child of God of infinite capacity” – Elder Oaks tells us, that’s just the beginning.
It’s no wonder then why the answer to all our personal challenges would be to know who you are and what your purpose is. When we know those two things everything else falls into place.
That’s what a large part of this podcast will help you with. Creating confidence, understanding and learning who you are on such a deep and intimate level. That you can feel certain and secure in all things and in all your endeavors in life.
And then from that place you can make other lasting connections, to date because you really want to and not because there’s a fear that you need to or that you’ll always be alone and you don’t want to be, or that no one really wants you or likes you. It is more than possible to get of your doubts and insecurities and live from a place of pure confidence and certainty.
That’s what this is all about. I’m so excited to be here on your journey with you. I can’t wait to share these life-changing tools and concepts with you so that you can transform your life in all the good and amazing ways.
I have so many exciting things to bring to you, to create for you to enjoy and benefit from. Can you imagine a place where truly like-minded people can get together and enjoy one another’s company without fears, doubts, insecurity, or worries clouding the mix? What an amazing space – that’s what I want to bring to you in the midsingles meet up.
So please, please, please head over to iTunes and leave a rating and review asap so this podcast can thrive and you can have it as a resource to build and bolster you up and to be a place that you can share this with your friends as well so that you can all benefit and make the seemingly impossible, possible. It’s so good!
Also, if you need help or want to dive in deeper I currently offer a free coaching session that you can schedule on my website, www.thecatalystcoaching.com and I’d love to talk to you or you can join the catalyst community in the membership over at members.thecatalystcoaching.com and get even more coaching, teaching, and opportunities to build your confidence.
Okay friends, have an amazing week. Talk to you next time!
