Episode 71: Sorely Wanting
In each of our lives there are times when we’ve wanted something so bad that the wanting felt heavy, sore, and almost unbearable. These are times when you want it so badly that it’s difficult to talk about and when you do it’s even more difficult because most people don’t (can’t) understand. This leaves you feeling alone, misunderstood, and acutely discouraged. In this episode, I walk you through the pain and guide you to the other side of peace, certainty, and above all confidence.
Welcome back to the show! Love that you’re here with me.I have some exciting news to share with you all. I’ve had an outpouring of requests and interest in offering more specific help, love, and attention to our mid singles and I just have a really special place for them in my heart and so after a while of their incredibly kind requests and desires I’m rolling out some good stuff.
There will be a podcast coming in January called, “The Midsingles Meetup” it’s for both midsingle men and women to help you gain confidence of course, but also to help you find peace, learn to create meaningful and deep connections, and to feel certain and confident in themselves and in their ability to create the future they really want.
They’re an amazing group of people and I am just so thrilled to work with so many. Come over to IG and follow me there at LDS_Midsingles_Coach – so LDS Midsingles Coach just spaced with the underscores. Tell your friends and get them excited about that too.
In the membership I’m opening a new section for them with special classes, workbooks, and bonus materials as well. So my Catalyst membership is still the same incredibly inclusive membership it’ll just have more goodness included. My 1-1 program is also still an amazing option and if you think you’d rather have that and work 1-1 than in a group setting take advantage of my free coaching session. They’re 30 minutes and you’ll get to experience what coaching really is and to see if it’s a good fit for you.
I’m so grateful for the opportunity to reach out and connect with you and to have the best career ever. I can’t tell you enough of how much I love my clients, how much I love this work, and how fulfilling it is to be a part of your experiences and transformation. It’s an honor and I am grateful every day for this.
Speaking of being grateful I have a community spotlight to bring you today. Thanks again for sending your reviews into itunes. I love reading them! Today’s spotlight is from Dr. Kristie. She says,
“Excellent! 5 stars – Practical and inspiring!”
I love it. Short, sweet, concise, and upbeat. You’re awesome Dr. Kristie. Thank you for that review and being a part of this community. I’m grateful you’re here!
Okay, let’s dive into our topic today. I’m bringing you something that each of us has experienced and probably will experience again in our lives. This is the topic of sorely wanting.
We’ve all had things in our lives that we just really, really, reeeeeeally want and there’s an idiom that you want it so bad you can taste it. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting something or working towards something but it can pose a problem for us when that wanting turns to needing.
Sometimes we feel justified in our wanting. We feel our reasons for wanting it so badly are valid and so our wanting can turn to entitlement or deserving it and when we don’t get it right away or the results aren’t coming when we think they should we create a lot of turmoil and stress for us.
We all want things. If you asked anybody on the planet what they wanted right now they’d all have an answer. More time, more sleep, more money. There’s an endless supply of what we think we want. We’re in the holiday season and there’s ads everywhere you turn for something more.
But the things we really, really want are harder to talk about because it can feel painful and laden with anxiety and fear. This is wanting from scarcity which is a terrible place to operate from because it’s hand in hand with loss, with absence, and with fear that it might never happen.
We hear people tell us that we need to be willing to let go of what we really want and I can speak for myself to know that that’s incredibly hard and one of the most acute pains I’ve experienced so I hope to offer a different approach. I won’t ever tell you to let it go because if it’s bringing up pain for you there’s a reason. You want it really badly. It means something precious to you and so I’d never tell you to stop wanting that or to let it go.
Instead I want to help you foster a more kind, compassionate, and abundant relationship with the wanting so you can continue to move forward and make progress while also dropping the weight of fear, of lack, and anxiety.
If you pause and think about it what is the weight of fear? Lack? Anxiety?
What really is that?
They’re all feelings right? When we want something we have a desire for it, a wanting, sometimes maybe an expecting.
We think we really want the thing – whatever that is for you but really what you want is a feeling. When we’re sorely wanting – this is more than just, “that’d be nice if I had that”. This is, “please, please, please, please…I really, really want that”.
When we are coming from this place the desire we feel is more intense and can take on a negative vibration in our bodies. It can feel like we need to change something – to have something just for relief.
Desire is such an interesting feeling because it can be both a positive and negative emotion. It’s positive when I desire something and am confident that I can have that. Say, I desire to eat something sweet. It’s a positive emotion, something I’m looking forward to because I know that I easily satisfy that. I can have that pretty quickly but if it’s something else, something I don’t know if I can have that soon or if ever and that feels so acutely uncomfortable and agonizing even.
Like those that want a promotion but they don’t know if their boss even notices all their hard work.
Or those that really want a baby and haven’t been able to conceive yet.
Or those that want to be in a committed, loving relationship and haven’t found it yet.
Or those that want to move but they don’t have the money yet to afford the changes.
Or those that want a fitter body but despite their best efforts their body seems fixed in it’s current shape and size.
We all have something or somethings you want and in the wanting, in the middle, it’s creating a lot of mind drama and outright suffering because you don’t have what you want yet.
I want to offer some things to take into account if you find yourself sorely wanting and in this agony and pain of desire. We tend to only look our wanting from one angle. We try to look at it in a different light sometimes but that feels more resigned and like giving up which hurts even more. But what if there was a different way? Something that invites hope and healing instead of agony and pain?
I’ve talked about this before but our brain really likes the duality of questioning. It loves a simple “either or” type of question. It’s either you have it or you don’t. You can have it or if you can’t then you should just quit and give up. But notice that both of these center in relieving or satisfying the demand of the desire.
They’re both designed to offer relief. You either get it and the desire is appeased or you don’t and you tell yourself to just not want it anymore because you think the desire will go away if you stop wanting (which we all know never works).
When we’re so focused the end goal and satisfying the desire we miss out on a huge part of out mortal experience. The middle, the actual feeling of desire, and learning to feel the wanting without it turning to needing. This is a truly a skill that if you could practice and apply daily, your life would be significantly changed for the better.
It’s a practice of joy. Of allowing both the positives and the negatives to have a space and place in your life without wishing or needing it to be different.
When it becomes unbearable and agonizing and you feel like no one understands you or understands the gravity of your plight it’s then that you can know that you’ve slipped from wanting to needing. This needing is a dangerous place because it means that you’ve outsourced your emotional well-being on something or someone outside of yourself. This puts you in a victim role and you’re stuck waiting, youre limited, you’re unable to progress in this place.
And when you’ve slipped into needing I want you to pay attention to needing’s sister feelings: entitlement and pride. Sometimes you’ve worked so hard for what you want that you feel entitled to it and the thought of not getting it or having it is more than you can bear but I want to point out that it’s not the thing you want, the person you want, the degree, the job, the thing you want – it’s the feeling you think you’d have if you got that.
Or even the feeling of relief and permission to let go of the story that created the pain in the first place.
Our feelings always come from what we’re thinking and the agony comes from the thought and belief that you might not get it and you need it to be happy. That’s pain and suffering right there. It’s limitations and boxing yourself in to a fictional prison because you know the circumstances never create how we feel. They’re never what we really want. We’re always chasing feelings.
So I want you to be open to other options than just this or that. Have it or not have it. Either or.
There are a vast spectrum of emotions and feelings available to you that allow you to sit in the middle while still progressing, still moving forward, and still feeling productive. We just celebrated Thanksgiving and being grateful is one of the most powerful feelings we can create for ourselves.
Offering thanks create abundance – the feeling of more than enough. When I work with my clients and we talk about wanting I always teach them to come from an abundant place. Whenever you’re just thinking about what you need it creates lack and a focus on what you don’t have and what you think you need to be happy. It creates more fear, more scarcity, more discomfort. So instead you want to come from abundance. Thinking about what you already do have, what you can tap into right now, what your strengths are, who you already are and from there you can want and the desire feels good and hopeful no matter how long you’ve been waiting and wanting.
When coming from abundance you want to tap into time as a whole. This really is a higher concept tool because it’s asking that you try on eternities glasses and vision. You look to your past to see how far you’ve come, how much you’ve learned along the way. You look to your future, to the person who has already accomplished it or created it and in the present You breathe in to how the whole being feels.
It’s not a lacking space but rich with abundance and joy. It’s makes room for the 50/50 and opposition in all things. There’s space for the wanting and best of all, it eases you of the burden from being in a hurry.
I know there are some of you that would want to argue with that and think, what you want really is on a time frame and I invite you again to look at it through Heaven’s eyes. In the grand scheme of things and God of Miracles does that thought or question really apply?
If you’re in a hurry you’re creating pressure and pain to your life. It creates anxiety and suffering that’s optional. You worry ahead of time and fret that it might not work out and you really need it to because…
why? Ask yourself why? And then ask yourself, if you had an eternity to figure this out -to have what you want to have would this still be an issue for you?
When we’re in a hurry it’s no longer about sorely wanting but it became sorely needing. And needing is very different and feels very different than wanting. Needing means that we can’t feel how we want to feel until or unless we have that thing, that person, that outcome.
It limits your capacity to grow and progress because you’re stuck in a state of, “I’ll be happy when” or “I’ll be happy if”. And in all honesty, that’s one of biggest temper tantrums we throw as adults. We might not be kicking and screaming like toddler tantrums but we’re definitely putting our foot down and rooting ourselves to this spot proclaiming that we’re not moving, we’re not growing until we get what we want.
And much like most toddler tantrums it just doesn’t work out well for you. It doesn’t make the outcome appear any faster and it sure doesn’t feel good for you.
So you want to know the antidote to sorely wanting?
The antidote to sorely wanting is patience.
BUT! Don’t turn me off yet. I know, that’s the last thing you want to hear when you’re sorely wanting. Stay with me. This isn’t the kind or caliber of patience you’ve probably grown up with. This patience is one that will fold over you like a blanket of confidence and certainty. It lifts, supports, and strengthens you so that you can continue to progress.
The Lord does not teach us to stand still. He teaches us to be still. Those are two very different things with different meanings, feelings, and outcomes.
Sometimes we confuse patience with indifference and in our minds it can look like giving up. The wanting hurts too bad so we resign ourselves to believing it’s not for us or at least not now and so it’s easy to give up hope because we just want relief and we think it’s easier not to talk about it, think about it, want it but we both know that doesn’t work. That’s like the pain on your arm from a cut that throbs and it hurts so bad so let’s slap a bandaid on it and move on but that bandaid didn’t do anything. It still hurts. It still needs attention. It needs to be looked at, cared for, nurtured, and most of all cleaned.
That’s what you want to do with your sorely wanting. We want to look at it, care for it, want it and keep it clean from the needing and dependency on it.
Neal A Maxwell taught, “Patience is not indifference. Actually, it means caring very much but being willing, nevertheless, to submit to the Lord and to what the scriptures call the ‘process of time.’”
I know that can seem too much to bear. The wanting hurts to want it because you can’t have it yet and that yet seems lofty at times too. It can be so easy to spiral into discouragement if you’re not careful here. It can be so easy to look at others that have what you want and compare and despair.
Please know that that action will never create the results you want. You always have a choice. You CAN choose what you want to focus on consistently. This doesn’t mean that you never have those thoughts. Everyone does, they’re normal. It’s your brain doing what your brain is supposed to do. However, you have your agency to choose what you consistently focus on.
That means not going down the rabbit hole. Not engaging in the thoughts when they pop up. But instead to be actively wanting, actively patient, actively intentional about what comes next for you.
Patience is a virtue because virtue means strength. When you’re exercising patience you’re utilizing a divine, heavenly strength that will help you to continue moving forward in the direction of your dreams and what you’re really wanting.
We often think of patience as a passive action but it’s anything but. Just as strength isn’t passive. It requires work. It requires effort. It requires diligence and intention. Patience is much the same way. It will require your focus and attention.
Maxwell says, “Patience is a willingness, in a sense, to watch the unfolding purposes of God with a sense of wonder and awe, rather than pacing up and down within the cell of our circumstance. Put another way, too much anxious opening of the oven door and the cake falls instead of rising. So it is with us. If we are always selfishly taking our temperature to see if we are happy, we will not be.”
Notice the actions required:
Willingness to watch, to wonder, to awe
When we think about patience and sorely wanting wonder and awe don’t usually come to mind. But if you think about exercising and building up your strength most of the time we’re not thinking about our bodies with wonder and awe either. We’re tired, we’re sore, we’re focused on the outcome instead of the middle.
Think about this another way, In college I’m sure there were classes you couldn’t wait to be done with, right? It’s almost like, Got it, I’ve had enough of this learning experience but we continue through. We remain actively engaged in the course because we’re confident that an end will come. We’re certain that the semester is only so long and then we can be done with that particular class.
It’s much like this with our trials and the things we are working towards and sorely wanting. We might think, we’ve had enough. I’ve waited long enough. I’ve learned what I need to learn and then it can turn to fear of what if this never ends? What if I can’t have it?
And while it’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay to be sad. We can still be actively hopeful and believing that God loves you and He’d never put you through anything that wasn’t necessary for your gain.
In 1 Nephi there’s a Scripture I cling to when I don’t understand, when I’m struggling, when I really want something and it’s not coming when I think it should.
Nephi says, “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.” (1 Nephi 11:17)
I don’t need to know why or when. What I need to focus on is faith that He knows me, loves me, and because of that He’d never allow me to suffer for sufferings sake. There is a purpose and something He’s giving to me. Something He knows will be far better than what I can comprehend for myself.
Faith and patience go hand in hand and if you remember on Faith and Confidence is that Faith is another name for confidence.
So in this light, patience and confidence go hand in hand.
In chapter 6 of the book, “preach my gospel” it talks about patience and says, “Patience is the capacity to endure delay, trouble, opposition, or suffering without becoming angry, frustrated, or anxious. It is the ability to do God’s will and accept His timing. When you are patient, you hold up under pressure and are able to face adversity calmly and hopefully”
Again, notice how active this patience is. It’s increasing our capacity to endure delay, to endure trouble, to endure opposition, and suffering without becoming angry, frustrated, or anxious.
We can endure that college class because we know it will end. We can endure that workout session because we know it’s the pathway to give us the strength and body we want. We can endure the pain of the treatment from that cut because we know that’s what it takes to heal.
But can you exercise divine patience while still actively wanting what you want?
Can you strengthen that virtue while still trusting that God knows you more than you know yourself?
Can you increase your capacity to endure while not subsiding into passivity and indifference?
In other words, can you allow yourself to feel the feeling without making the feeling mean anything about you?
Really what we’re struggling with is our story. Can you see this?
It’s not the timing. That’s a circumstance – totally neutral. What you’re struggling with is the story you attached to it of what if???
That’s where the pain and suffering comes from. Your story about it.
And you know what’s crazy about that? You’re the author? You’re the teller of tales. You can choose to believe a different story when and if you want to.
I’ve grown quite fond and attached to the scripture in 1 James that reads, “In all our afflictions let us count it all joy”
Joy allows and makes room for the 50/50 – for the wanting and not yet having. It offers meaning to our suffering and afflictions. And it knows that without the darks in life we wouldn’t be able to create a masterpiece. We need the contrast. We need these moments in our lives. We need these experiences for our gain for God to give us something even better than what we had hoped for or imagined.
These times in our lives are very personal and test us at a very deep and intimate level. We’re taught and told that we will have to endure a trial of our faith and it’s times like these that we’re being tested, challenged, refined in the refiners fire. It’s not supposed to be comfortable. It’s not supposed to be easy so instead of arguing with it we can find meaning in it.
He’s giving you a gift that can only come through these means. A change in our character, stronger virtues, heavenly attributes. Sorely wanting and waiting isn’t passive. It’s active, it’s increase, it’s exercising, it’s strengthening, it’s like what Winston Churchill once said,
“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm”
It’s going from day to day, from trying to trying, to watching with a sense of wonder and awe.
Viktor Frankl who endured great hardships and loss during the holocaust offers us amazing insight into our trials and patience saying, “Dostoevski said once, “There is only one thing I dread: not to be worthy of my sufferings.” These words frequently came to my mind after I became acquainted with those martyrs whose behavior in camp, whose suffering and death, bore witness to the fact that the last inner freedom cannot be lost. It can be said that they were worthy of the their sufferings; the way they bore their suffering was a genuine inner achievement. It is this spiritual freedom—which cannot be taken away—that makes life meaningful and purposeful.”
Think about that for a moment, spiritual freedom. Strengthening your inner character, your virtues that no matter what else happens you cannot and will not be swayed or moved. But rather strength, confidence, faith, and patience has offered you something that can never be taken away, your spiritual freedom.
This turns the wanting into a holy act and helps you grow closer to the source of all love, abundance, goodness, and mercy.
You can find meaning in your wanting. You can choose to see yourself as being worthy of this trial. You can choose to exercise faith knowing that this will end because you are loved completely and He would never have you suffer for suffering’s sake but that all things shall be for YOUR good.
Trust in the wait. Be active in your waiting. Waiting is not passive. It’s not indifference. It’s not giving up. It’s moving forward without losing enthusiasm with each step.
Allow yourself to be fully human and experience the full capacity of what wanting feels like. What it actually feels like in your body – not the story of wanting but the physical feeling of wanting. What does that feel like?
Then in that space between observing the feeling and crafting the story you can realize that all of it is entirely optional. It’s all based on the story you’re telling yourself. Isn’t that something to think about? Do you want to continue to believe in that story?
Will the story of I can’t have it ever serve you?
What is a more productive story? What else is true? And most importantly, who are you becoming in this process?
Practice wanting and waiting with patience – not passively but productively. With meaning and purpose, being worthy of your trials and knowing all the while that you are loved and cared for and known.
Thank goodness He knows me better that I know myself. Patience is a practice and process and in James it reads, “Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. “But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.”
We can be entire, complete, and strengthened through our trials. We can learn to want, to actively want without needing and despairing.
We can choose to count it all joy.
Okay, you guys if this is a struggle for you, come talk with me. Schedule a free coaching session on my website: www.thecatalystcoaching.com and let me help you with your sorely wanting.
Talk to you next time!