Episode 64: Confidence Blocker #1
In this podcast episode, I bring to light something that is 100% blocking your ability to create and cultivate confidence for yourself. It’s kind of sneaky and harder to recognize at first but once you start becoming aware of it you’ll see it everywhere. And all this is great news because you can’t change what you’re not aware of. What I’m talking about my friends is the habit of not taking responsibility for your results. When you blame the things outside of you you’re stuck. When you take responsibility you’re in control and get to create the results you WANT for yourself. It’s so empowering. Have a listen!
Welcome back to the show! I love that you’re here with me.
Today I want to bring to light something that is 100% blocking your ability to create and cultivate confidence for yourself. It’s kind of sneaky and we’ve been practicing this for most of our lives so it’s harder to recognize at first but once you start becoming aware of it you’ll see it everywhere.
And all this is great news because you can’t change what you’re not aware of. What I’m talking about my friends is the habit of not taking responsibility for your results.
Most people (myself included for a long time) believed that other people and other things make us feel things. For example, THEY made me mad. THEY’RE driving me crazy. THEY hurt my feelings. IT made me so sad. I was devastated by IT.
Do you see? I bet if you took each of those phrases you could probably very easily fill in the THEY for a specific name or thing, right?
Just a quick scroll through social media today showed me these:
The politics and politicians are driving me crazy.
I was devastated by the fires/hurricanes/natural disasters.
Netflix made me so mad.
Can you relate? Do you see how easy it is to blame others and other things for how we feel? And you might not think it’s a big deal but let me tell you why this is a huge confidence blocker.
When we blame others and other things we’re not taking responsibility for it. If we don’t have a hand in it, if we aren’t owning our role in it then we’re the victims of it. We’re at the effect of others and other things. Things then happen TO you and takes away your power. It’s incredibly disempowering and creates all our pain and mind drama and suffering.
But when you learn the skill of taking responsibility for your life in all areas – all areas – then you’re no longer a victim but moves you to the victor. It means that you’re the creator of your life and create change instead of being moved or pushed around by it.
You are the agent then in your life to act and not to be acted upon.
This is where all your power lies.
This puts you in control and when you’re creating it and you don’t like your results – only because you’re the creator can you uncreate it at any time you want to.
This is powerful stuff.
Now I know some of you are already finding thoughts and examples to argue with this concept and let me ask you, what’s the upside to thinking that thought?
When you think, “well, I don’t like the fires or the natural disasters happening right now, how am I responsible for that?” And that’s a really good question because we don’t have control over the circumstances in our lives – that’s the basic definition of a circumstance – things outside of our control but here’s the beautiful thing about that – circumstances are neutral.
What this means then is that the circumstances don’t mean anything until you put meaning on them by what you’re thinking about it.
There are fires and natural disasters that happen all over the world. There is a constant huge hurricane with winds that reach speeds of 270 miles per hour on Jupiter that is constantly there. You know that great red spot – looks like an eye shape? Giant hurricane. It’s never not there and it’s the size of our earth doubled. But we’re not talking about that so clearly it’s not because it’s a hurricane. Not all hurricanes are bad, right?
But we don’t like the hurricanes in our path or the hurricanes near homes, people, and creations of what we’ve built. But do you see the difference?
It’s not the circumstances that created how you felt but rather your thoughts about it. And that is what you have 100% control over.
Your thoughts create your world. What you choose to think about creates your feelings and how happy, how fulfilled, how CONFIDENT you are. It has nothing to do with the circumstances.
When we blame others and other things for how we feel we give away that power and when we give away that power we have no say of when we’ll feel better if we’ll ever feel better, and we’re reliant on them or it to change so that we can find relief. It’s not fun and it’s certainly not the place where confidence comes from.
So how can you take 100% responsibility for your life and create confidence?
Let me make it smaller first so we can see how this plays out generally in our day to day lives. Anytime you blame or complain you’re not taking responsibility for your life. Think about how often you’ve complained just today?
You might not think of yourself as a complainer. I know I didn’t. But then I was aware of it – like intentionally aware of it and several times within the first ten minutes. I noticed my default thoughts were complaining about something small and trivial.
It’s too cold in my house.
It’s too hot outside.
Currently outside it’s too smoky and the air quality is bad.
With social distancing still in place here restaurants have moved to outside dining but now that the air quality isn’t great it’s easy to complain that now we can’t even go outside!
We complain about the weeds in our yard
About the nosey neighbor
About the clothing styles and how women jeans either have no pockets, like pretend pockets, or tiny ones that are really just for show.
We complain about our disheveled house
Our needy friend
The media, the news, the current shows on TV, or the latest apps
We complain about comments people on FB make who are also complaining about the article, the news, the whatnots right?
I’m betting you complain a lot more than you realize and it seems harmless but it adds up and it’s not helping you.
You will never create a positive emotion from a negative thought.
Think about that.
You will never create a positive emotion from a negative thought.
If you’re complaining you’re not creating confidence. You’re creating contention, resistance to what is, and it’s dragging you down.
The good news is that you’re the creator of all of this and so if you don’t like what you’re creating, you can uncreate it at any time.
The remedy is to take 100% responsibility for all the results in your life.
This doesn’t mean that you have to change your Circumstances – remember, those are neutral – it doesn’t matter WHAT happened what matters is what you THINK about it and what you’re going to do about it.
Let me ask you, are you blaming someone right now for how you feel?
Are you blaming someone for the way you reacted recently? It’s because you’re driving me crazy! right?
Are you blaming someone for what you’re doing? Well, I had to do this because you didn’t or because you won’t!
These sneaky things, these sneaky thoughts create negative emotions and results for you. You don’t feel confident because you don’t feel in control because you’ve knowingly or unknowingly given them control over how you feel. It’s the opposite of confidence.
Confidence is certainty. If you’re giving someone power over your emotions then you have no control, no way of feeling better, no end in sight just insecurity and uncertainty.
If you want to be able to feel confident at all times and in all things then you need to develop the practice of taking 100% responsibility at all times and in all things.
Blaming is never useful. It will never create the results you want in your life, the connections you seek, the income you want, the jobs you’re aiming for, the life you’re aspiring to have.
It just feels limiting.
When you learn to take responsibility notice the shift. Notice how it feels. It immediately puts you in the driver’s seat and in control.
It doesn’t make it easy which is why people default to blaming because blaming is easy. Anyone can do it. It just rolls of the tongue. It takes effort and intention to take responsibility. But you know what happens when you take responsibility? You change your results.
When you take responsibility you create empowerment – immediate empowerment.
You’re not dependent on anything outside of you. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances are. You are in control and are the architect and creator of your experience. That’s where you’ll cultivate and create certainty and confidence!
That’s how you become the victor instead of the victim.
The best way to get out of victim mode is to take action. Stop blaming the circumstances and start taking action.
Winston Churchill once said, “The price of greatness is responsibility”
One thing we’ve been practicing at our house is this thought, “It’s not my mess but it is my home”. I saw something similar talking about cleaning our earth and choosing to live more sustainably and I loved it so much that you could use that thought for just about anything.
It’s not my mess (whether that’s a relationship, your home, your country) – it’s not my mess but it is my home.
And this isn’t to imply that it’s not my mess – again blaming – but instead to reframe it so that you do take responsibility for all of it. It’s acknowledging the circumstances and getting out of resistance to what is – what is happening and not what we think should have happened and owning.
This is my life, my home, my job, my career, my relationship, my time, my community, my country, my body, – and because it’s mine how am I going to take responsibility for that?
Here’s an odd example for you, I remember going to a church meeting and being so bored by the lesson and the discussion. Now, the comments, the lesson all of that was a circumstance. So here you could easily insert, It’s not my lesson but it is my time. And I’m ultra guarded with my time and how I choose to spend it and I did not want to “waste” it by being bored so I started reading ahead in the manual, I asked my own questions, I created this amazing lesson and was able to contribute more to the conversation because I took action. I took ownership of my own learning and because I was engaging in learning I was able to contribute and share what I was excited and passionate about. Which changed the course of the conversation.
Even when you think you don’t have responsibility, you do.
Even when you think it’s not your mess, it is your life and what do you want to do with your one precious life?
Get out of victim mentality and kick the blaming habit (another podcast is coming dedicated solely to that one soon!) and start taking ownership and responsibility.
When you take ownership you create confidence. It’s yours. You’re responsible. You’re not at the mercy of your circumstances. They’re neutral. You are empowered by your thoughts and what you make of your circumstances.
Friedrich Nietzsche said, “Freedom is the will to be responsible for ourselves.”
If you want freedom, liberty, and a life without limitations then you need to take responsibility for everything in your life.
Taking responsibility is really asking yourself some questions and just taking a moment to look inward.
What is one area that you’re struggling with right now? Or what was the last thing you complained about?
Take responsibility – ask yourself – how did I create that or how did I allow that to happen?
People get stuck on this one – they think, “I didn’t!” And then they go on to blame again but here again – take full responsibility even if the answer is I chose to come to this earth and experience mortality. That’s how I’m responsible.
When a family member says something that you find insulting or hurtful – how did I create that or allow that – take responsibility – I chose to come here, to be here, to get on a call with them, I chose to stay.
When the scale has a number you’re not too fond of – how did I create this? Instead of beating yourself up – because we all know that doesn’t work! Take responsibility, I chose to eat that, to stay in instead of exercising, I chose not to get help from a doctor or professional.
Telling yourself that you chose is very different than demanding what’s wrong with you. If you chose it, you can unchoose it when you’re ready. Take responsibility.
When my husband and I were in college we decided to get rid of our TV. We were tired at night. We had a two-year-old and another baby on the way and time was limited between family, kids, work, and school so instead of complaining that we didn’t have any time, we chose to take responsibility and decided that the TV wasn’t helping us to create the results we wanted. And I tell you, it was the best decision for us. We have time because we’re choosing how we want to spend our time instead of feeling like a victim to it.
What are you blaming right now? How can you take responsibility for it?
What are you pretending not to know?
We indulge in the I don’t know habit way too much and think about what happens when you think that – you feel confused and uncertain – not confident that’s for sure! You spin out in every which way because you don’t know and then you’ll continue not to know because you’re not looking for answers you’ve already told yourself I don’t know.
Whereas when you take responsibility for it it becomes your mission to know, to learn, to dive deeper, to understand and from there you take action. It’s beautiful.
You get to decide in every circumstance and situation how you want to feel and if you think about everything we do is because we’re chasing after a feeling. We want to lose weight so we can FEEL good, FEEL pretty, FEEL more acceptable and attractive. We want to earn money so we can FEEL more abundant, FEEL more secure, FEEL more generous. We chase after emotions and we forget that we’re the creator.
When you take full responsibility for your life, for your experiences, for your emotions you create a life of confidence, freedom, liberty, and joy. It’s amazing.
It’s the best way to live. It’s the confident way to live. Okay, now go practice my friends! See you next week!