Episode 56: The Confidence Challenge Day Five
Episode 56: The Confidence Challenge Day Five: Bringing it all together
By now you hopefully have heard the other four podcasts leading up to this one and here I want to show you how to implement this confidence model. I want to show you how to put it together in a fluid real-time manner so that you can cultivate confidence at will no matter what’s happening and what the circumstances are around you.
It is possible to show up as your highest and best self at all times. Confidence is synonymous with certainty. I want to make that clear because confidence can be confused and misinterpreted. The only reason you’re not confident in certain areas is because you lack certainty. You’re insecure because you can’t find the security so when we answer these. When you can create and feel that certainty and security you can step forward from your highest self. You’ll make clear decisions and know exactly how you want to show up because you’ve done your work.
So today I want to dive in and show you real examples from myself and clients how this works.
Just to recap, Confidence is knowing and embracing all the parts of yourself and being able to trust in yourself and in your abilities.
So the confidence model is a three-step process:
These three together make you completely unstoppable.
Now I’m not going to dive too deeply into each of these steps here as much as I’m going to talk about the application and seeing how they work together. If you want more details on each step go back and listen to those episodes that explain each of the steps more thoroughly.
But let me start with a personal example. Last year I went snowboarding for the first time. I’ve never skied or skateboarded or done anything to that extent at all. I was pretty mixed about the whole experience. I was terrified because I don’t like heights, the cold, snow, or being strapped to a slick board while facing downward on a mountain.
But I was also excited because it could be fun. It was a family day. I was going to take lessons. It could it all be good.
So I went into the day feeling the full spectrum of emotions and the first half of the day was fun and difficult. I took lessons with my teens who just picked it up so quickly. Fast forward four hours and a zillion trips up and down the bunny slope and my husband who is a complete superstar snowboarder suggested we try a real slope. I was really nervous because it meant that I’d be on the lift – which can Just say are terrifying in and of themselves? They don’t strap you in you’re going up the mountain completely free. My husband loved it, not me so much.
So we get to the top and the slope is much steeper than the bunny slope and much higher than I had been anticipating.
My husband reassured me it was okay, it’d be fine, it’s no different than what I’d been learning that morning. I’ll stay with you, totally fine.
So I venture forward, not a whole lot you can do once you’re on top, right? You gotta get down somehow so I start on my board and the first hill I completely fall on my face and it hurts so bad. So okay, not a problem, get back up and try again. So I do and I fall and I fall and I fall. Again and again and again. My kids are flying passed me. Three-year-olds are flying passed me and I’m just standing and falling and standing and falling and with each epic fall, my mental drama is getting louder and louder.
Until at one point I had a mini panic attack. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe. My husband is freaking out and questioning, what is going on? It’s easy to say that I was not confident in that moment at all. I had no certainty for myself that I was going to be okay, hence the panic attack. I didn’t feel secure or safe or okay.
So I sat there in the snow trying not to hyperventilate because the last thing I wanted was to completely pass out. And I ran through the confidence model. I knew the only way I was getting down that mountain was me getting myself down, either on the board or walking and it was really far to walk, plus I really DID want to learn.
I started with Knowing all the parts of me. At that moment I just asked myself what’s going on?
My brain immersions accommodated and said, “You’re cold, you’re on a mountain with cliffs and trees. You don’t like not being able to control something, like your board. You don’t like not being able to slow down when you need to.”
I just let myself whine and tell me all the reasons it was struggling. It wasn’t just the board or the heights but it was also my family and my husband and caring what they think about me. I had expectations for myself that I hadn’t even realized until that moment that I was going to take lessons and learn and be good enough to move forward. But I wasn’t. I needed way more time in the learning phase before I tackled a slope. I saw tiny kids flying passed me and I made it mean that I was inadequate. That if a three-year-old can do it what does that say about me?
Now instead of just being afraid I had tangible things to work with. I knew what I was struggling with specifically and not some overgeneralized fear like, this is hard. I knew exactly what I was struggling with and from there I could move on to embracing.
That looked like, me talking to myself inaudibly and telling myself, “of course you’re struggling. You’ve never done this before. Of course this hard for you, you’re facing several of your core fears at one time. Of course, you’re worried about what others are thinking about you – you yourself had expectations for yourself”
All of that, of course, talk – validated me. Before that, I was just a mess thinking that I shouldn’t be a mess, that it wasn’t okay to be a mess, that something was wrong with me, that I’m just crazy. But by going through and saying to myself, “Of course you’re struggling in this area and this is why” it validated me as a human being having a human experience. It reminded me that it really is okay. No wonder why you’re feeling the way you are.
Then the last bit, trust. Start with those two important questions,
- What do you want? It’ll always be a surface answer.
I want to get down the mountain. I want to be good enough to keep going.
2.) If you had that, how would you feel?
I’d feel secure. I’d feel proud. I’d feel accomplished in learning something so foreign to me.
From there I had a road map. I knew what I needed to give myself to feel confident. Because once you’re confident there isn’t anything you can’t do. Confidence is certainty, it is security.
So I told myself that I was proud of everything that I accomplished that morning. I went through all my small wins and I had several especially knowing that this was so new to me.
I told myself that it was okay for me to stop and walk at any moment. And I know that sounds obvious, but at that time it wasn’t an option for me because of the expectations I had placed on myself. At that time I told myself I had to go down on the board. It had to be this way and that was another aspect to being afraid. So trust, I was going to be okay. I would get myself down the mountain. I would trust myself to be okay.
Part of that was telling everyone to leave me. I didn’t want an audience because I realized that added to my mental drama. So they slyly took turns going ahead and one waiting for me then they’d go ahead and the other would wait at a certain point and all the way down the mountain they’d check in on me but most of my way down I was alone which I was grateful for because then I could just focus on the process and learning instead of creating mental drama that I needed to show up a certain way.
So that was part of trusting myself – requesting what I wanted aloud to them instead of brushing it off or telling myself it’s okay. The other part was giving myself options. The part of trusting myself was to keep creating the feelings that I needed. That was certainty, security, and feeling like I was moving forward. So I intentionally focused on my wins, even though they were tiny. I also stopped indulging in comparing myself to others – even the tiny 3-year-olds that were rocking that mountain.
As I did this I did create confidence for myself. Because I felt confident I could keep going. I could keep moving. I was getting the results that I wanted.
Think about the model. It looks like
Confidence is the feeling and it motivates me into action. That action was to keep moving forward, to get up each time I fell and I tell ya what, I fell hard. I would fall on my read end and then because of the speed I’d immediately fall to the side and my head just pounded on the hard snow.
It was so painful and I was paranoid because I’ve read and seen Concussion and I want to care for my noggin. So with that confidence, I took action that created a result for me. I did make it down the mountain. I had a really good time. It doesn’t sound like it because I’m sharing a bleak moment but I created my experience. I took fears and my insecurity and I worked with them to create what I wanted.
I had fun. I can honestly look back with fondness of that day because of what I created for myself. Not only in the growth for learning a new skill – starting to learn a new skill but also in being able to do a complete 180 mentally. From panic to peace. From peace to confidence and from confidence to accomplishment.
That’s what the confidence model looks like. Now, this is an extreme and I’m describing it in much more detail than it was in real-time. In real-time, it didn’t take long at all. But I did have to follow the steps.
A lot of the time we just straight to the third step and working on the how. How are we going to do this? How are we going to move forward and you can’t do that until you know what’s in the dark?
So you need to go through the know, embrace, trust steps, and when you do, you’re unstoppable. I faced deeply rooted fears. Fear of heights, fear of not being in control, fear of falling off a cliff, fear of rejection, and worrying about what others think, fear of not knowing how to move forward. And in the midst of my preferences. I don’t like the cold at all.
Anyone that knows me teases me about it because I’m always cold and I always bring a sweater, a blanket, multiple scarves with me. So being in the cold environment with all my fears and truly not knowing how to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish it was amazing to go through the steps and once I focused on these steps and uncovering what I needed, I could intentionally turn my focus to feeling proud, to creating a secure experience for me, to focusing on abundance instead of scarcity.
You can do this. Make sure you practice ahead of time. The more you immerse yourself in this model the easier it will be to apply it on a daily basis. Confidence isn’t a create it once and you’re done kind of thing. It’s a daily practice. Just like happiness, joy, peace, and love are.
As you grow and evolve you’re going to be faced with new things, new thoughts, new triggers, new fears. But the good thing about all of this is that the confidence model doesn’t ever change. Three steps to move forward.
Think about this when you’re preparing for an interview or a difficult conversation.
Think about this when you move to a new area and you’re trying to make friends.
Think about this when globally things aren’t what we planned.
Confidence is a feeling that will create your best actions and give you your most helpful and useful results.
And now, it’s not elusive anymore. This model made it tangible and workable and easy to create for you in any moment of time.
You can do this! Download the worksheets and dive in!
Okay, you guys!
Have a great week!